Saturday, September 04, 2010 04:46

NERV Tonic

August 13th, 2010 by Egofreaky
Why do all the good ideas get taken?

Why do all the good ideas get taken?

So with all the work I’ve been doign for Manifest, I figured, fuck it I need a drink.

Last year I made one after the mascot, Peppa Chan, but this year I’ve decided I hate her. Hate her with a passion only born of complete and utter neglect and then having her intrude on my psyche once more. So what else can I base a drink on and draw inspiration?

Well, if rumours are anything to go by, one of the guests I’ve been arranring is something of a party animal and he could probably do with a drink too, so let’s make a drink for him, and one of his better known roles. Read the rest of this entry »

This blog hasn’t been abandoned!

August 12th, 2010 by Egofreaky
and you can probably get most of them into bed dressed like that, too

and you can probably get most of them into bed dressed like that, too

Remember last year where posts mysteriously stopped for about 6 weeks? Yeah, it’s that time of year again, I’m PMSing… Or Manifest ing at the very least. Seriously, the event takes a lot out of me, like a succubus vampire crack dealer that works as a lawyer by day… or something. Please come along to it and make me feel like I haven’t just wasted 6 months of my life. Read the rest of this entry »

Australian Vampires Suck

July 12th, 2010 by Egofreaky

But only because Vince Colosimo can’t speak around fangs.

Something that a whole mess of people don’t realise is that sometime last financial year, a rather large swathe of our tax dollars got was released as a vampire movie. It was an Australian vampire movie, with most of the cast of Neighbours as terrible extras, and Sam Neill pushing something a bit more than just red meat. But for all the terrible acting, the cinematography and actual script, plot and concept of the movie are astoundingly good. Unlike the extraordinarily large precedent set before it by almost every Aussie film I can think of that had to get government backed financing, however, this movie didn’t actually suck. Only the characters in it… and *Vince Colosimo’s acting.

How anyone could confuse this for a shot from the Matrix is totally beyond me...

How anyone could confuse this for a shot from the Matrix is totally beyond me...

The idea behind the film is that in about a decade’s time, vampirism sweeps the land. Like zombieism to some degree, as everyone is now either vampire, or an industrially kept sack of fluids and vampire nutrients that are kept in large farming towers to have their vitals tapped somewhat reminsiscent of the way that we’re all currently powering The Matrix. Of course, the problem with this is that in reality, people confined to such conditions are most likely going to die due to muscles being kept immobile. Their muscles would atrophy, the body would become less and less healthy, and then simply cease to sustain its own life. This is precisely what’s happening to the human farms in the world Daybreakers, and the stock of free range humans that the vampire military can find is rapidly running out. This is highly problematic, as all the blood substitutes that the large vampire corporations are attempting to cook up simply don’t have the… desired effect.

Aperature Science - We do what we must because we can...

Aperature Science - We do what we must because we can...

Generally speaking, when you go and eat something, if it makes your head explode instead of nourishing you, that’s what the current pharmaceutical industry calls “undesirable side effects” (as opposed to Viagra, which was originally intended as a heart medication, having a side effect that was way better than what it was intended to be primarily used for).

It forgot to put the lotion on its skin

It forgot to put the lotion on its skin

As the blood becomes scarce, vampires begin to riot out of panic. Why? Because if they don’t get human blood, they devolve into bat like animals that attack anything, but look way cool thanks to WETA. Dog blood won’t do. Can’t have coffee. Must be people, but not Soylent Green! It’s a brilliant commentary on energy crisii type situations, and no doubt the future food shortages we’re likely to experience as the temperate zones move further towards the polar regions.

Eventually, a cure is found, which in turn causes complications. In yet anotherdig at modern day situations, a cure is no good because there’s no money to be had in a cure. The large corporation within the film is only interested in a human blood substitute, so that everyone must become a long term client. As pharmaceutical companies in real life are similarly disinterested in cures, but rather treatment regimes, as cures do not provide long term customers.

And for good measure, there’s also a couple of fascist dictatorship references. Fun!

The entire film is dark, set with a cool filter over every scene that takes place in the city to emphasise how cold and dark is the night. Sadly, the city isn’t terribly memorable or impressive… It’s Surfer’s Paradise after all (not exactly a place that screams “Vampires live here!”). To counter that, every scene shot in the country regions where not-blood-cow humans escape to is warm and sunny, made more so thanks to a rather obvious warm colour filter. A more critical person would say that the juxtaposition is also there to show how unnatural city living is and that it’s the death of us all as we devolve and feed on our fellow man but that’s the kind of wankery one picks up after having done a semester of film analysis at university… *cough*… Whilst this kind of videography is pretty standard for modern vampire films, it really hammers home the (intended to be) subtle messages of the film.

My guess is he died of boredom watching WogBoy 2 - HahahaHEY!

"My guess is he died of boredom watching WogBoy 2" - "HahahaHEY!"

Willem Dafoe was actually rather week in this film, I felt. He plays “Elvis”, the vampire that somehow manages to cure himself (and in turn becomes a weak, pathetic human again). Dafoe normally has this seedy hyper activity about him, like Steve Buschemi on crack but with nice teeth. He seemed rathe flat and lifeless in this film, which, considering he’s actually alive again, should be the exact opposite of his characterisation I feel. To make matters worse, this isn’t even the first vampire role he’s been in. He was Max Schreck in Shadow of the Vampire, the archetype for what the vampires in Daybreakers basically turn into without blood, and yet he was off the walls in that film. A bit of a disappointment to my mind.

Ethan Hawk manages to ensure that this isn’t the massive let down it could be though. He plays Edward Dalton, Hematologist man! It’s his job to find a cure for vampirism… or at least a substitute for blood. But he also happens to be a filthy human sympathiser! With clouded thoughts of “perhaps humans are people, too” this sick deviant not only saves a pack of the filthy things, he actively goes to live with them for a time to discover his cure! Degenerate filth!! And he’s believable in this sort of characterisation. You genuinely believe he feels sorry for the fact that people are no longer human, and that he actually thinks of them as an endangered species, rather than what he used to be. There’s a kind of sadness about him, until he basically fucks over Sam Neill.

Now if they eat more meat, their blood will have more iron and be tastier... I have an idea!

"Now if they eat more meat, their blood will have more iron and be tastier... I have an idea!"

Sam Neill is rather convincing in his role as Charles Bromley,  an evil bastard in charge of an evil pharmaceutical company. Perhaps this is based on his many many roles as a self absorbed narcissist that happens to be better off than those around him, or maybe it’s a side effect of all the meat he’s been trying to get kids to eat lately. I’ve got to say though, having seen this film, it really does all make sense now.

All up, I give this film three and a half swinging blue cocks.

*No, he really wasn’t so bad in this. It’s just that I hate Colosimo for some reason, and the bar has been set pretty low on Australian actors that aren’t Sam Neill. Name me one other local actor that’s pulled out their own eyes. That’s commitment to a bit!

Why, Trent, WHY!?

July 10th, 2010 by Harkonnen
Eisenberg, Zuckerberg, let me introduce to Iceberg and what it did for the Titanic

Eisenberg, Zuckerberg, let me introduce to Iceberg and what it did for the Titanic

You’ve probably heard about this movie coming out shortly. This movie about Facebook and it’s founder Mark Zuckerberg, titled The Social Network.
Only it’s not, because he’d threatened to sue if the movie was actually about particular things he did but haven’t been proved in court, so there’s a character with the same name as him… but different!

Never mind the fact that the movie is going to suck in a similar way that Antitrust* . This film is still going to be a commercial succes, and so will its soundtrack, for the very reason that Facebook itself is a commercial success, never minding the involvement of David Fincher.
*supposedly about Microsoft at the time, but becoming strikingly more like Google with every passing month) did by basically making a fairly non-exciting event and adding drugs and murder (because that happens to computer programmers all the time!

Everyone’s gonna be talking about it, like I am, and then circle jerk off to how amazingly awesome it is. Or how fucking lame. I know I’m now involved in that cicrle jerk right now by writing this article. The irony’s not lost on me. Maybe Alaniss Morisette, but not me. But speaking of msuic that’s out of place!

It turns out Trent Reznor has signed up to do the music.

Well get Nic Cage to play him in the biopic directed by David Lynch and itll be totally what happened. Lets get Mackauley Calkin in as MM, too!

Fincher’s movies are right up Reznor’s alley. For sure! Fight Club probably would have been way more awesome with an industrial sountrack. But really? REALLY?! Trent, WTF!? It’s a movie about a nerd that fucked over a few of his friends to become a billionaire by fucking over millions more people! Adding bullshit won’t make it better or more interesting. And you’re stamping your name to it!

It’s like Danny Elfman deciding to do the music on a Disney remake of Jack Black’s life about the time he never saved an orphan and fought his case of Lou Gehrig’s disease. It’s a lie and you’re adding more to the lie that the movie is going to be!!!

[Or if Rob Zombie wrote the jingle for a Doritoes ad! - Egofreaky]

Fuck! This is a perfect example of why good musicians need to die young.