So my first response is: Wow, this wasn’t absolutely terrible!

My second was: Goddamn, there’s no skin tight leather pants! AND it has (almost) nothing to actually tie it into the previous two!!

Underworld Trailer

So, we all know that the original Underworld movie was basically there to sell some amazingly cool boots… Oh, and blatantly rip off WhiteWolf Gaming’s amazingly popular Vampire and Werewolf franchises. But the third movie finally brings a bit of a point to all of them! Hooray! Rejoice! Finally we get to know why the vampires and werewolves were fighting!!

As it turns out, it’s an epic romantic tragedy between Lucian and Selene Sonja as R & J, and Viktor as Lord Capulet *cough* 

Aaaanyway, as it turns out, the Werewolves were all Jews, and the Vampires are slave drivers intent on building amazingly large edifices out of stone. There’s also pestielence upon the land, wild beasts, deaths of first nobles, and smothering darkness! The only thing really missing are some sticks to snakes and rivers turning to blood… Actually no, by the end of the movie, all non-major bodies of water are literally filled with blood. But there was no fiery hail, locusts or frogs!

 

Anyway, so the Werewolves have to escape with only the clothing on their backs, while a lot of them get speared through with ballistae bolts (don’t worry, no one actually got hurt. They’re immortals… or something). Then they have to wander for forty years three nights in the Wilderness because Lucian’s a fucking moron, and decides to be a hero… And heroes always manage to be the ones directly resposnible for the deaths of their loved ones… on crucifixes.

 

And that’s why we have Passover!

Rambling aside, the film’s pretty cool. 

The cinematography is very reminiscent of Dark City, and the costumes are pretty well done. Perhaps what is most specatcular is that money has clearly been spent on this film, and it’s the third part of a series without being directed by the original team (although it does have the same producers). No expenses have been spared on the set creation, basically looking like something out of Better Homes and Gothins magazine (no, not a real magazine sadly), and the interior design wet dream of every angsty 16 year old with eye liner and a NIN album. Where this money really shines through, however, is in the make up effects.

Now, this may have something to do with the director actually owning the animatronics/prosthetics company that made the Werewolf costumes, but I could be a tad cynical. What’s clear though is that whoever made the costumes is clearly passionate abouthigh quality horror and monster special effects. Even in the scenes that weren’t CGI enhanced, these Werewolves looked spectacularly real.

The final finishing flourish was to actually tie the last scene of the movie directly to the first scene of the original Underworld. A great ploy to get people to actually rewatch them… Which you can do if you go out and buy them… buy now! Gwailo you buy!

All in all, provided your brain is firmly switched off before the ads are finished rolling, this movie is thoroughly enjoyable.

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