At first, I didn’t think I’d write a review of this film.

I thought to myself: What self respecting goth wants to see a movie about a maladjusted social misfit entirely decked out in tight black leather with knives for hands?

Then I thought: Oh yeah…

In all honesty, this is actually a pretty good piece of entertainment. I say entertainment, and not cinema or film, because if you even had passing interest in higb-brow theatrics that makes a grand political statement you will be saddend. The closest it gets to political commentary is a nod to the stupidity of Bush’s pre-emptive doctrine.

If you are a fan of the original comics, you’re likely going to rage over this almost as badly as if they’d given Hugh Jackman a massive blue swinging cock and twirled it in your face for three hours. And getting massively dicked is exactly what happens to other favourite Marvel characters, such as Deadpool… Or the way that Wolverine is seemingly picked up by the Kent family about half way through. It could only have been made more apparent if they’d said their now missing son was a journalist. That said, if you’re like 95% of the movie going public and you’re not a rabid fan of the comics, there’s nothing to worry about. It’s not like the original material was totally raped. The kind of rape that one normally reserves for montage sequences of US soldiers in Vietnam going berserk… Ahhh, there it is, in the opening credits! Fantastic. Let us proceed!

Quips like this are sorely lacking

Ryan Reynolds is cast as Deadpool. He actually does a pretty good job of being the massive smart arse Deadpool is mean to be. This really could have been developed for something that was a bit more conducive to advancing the story. Unfortunately, the character was relegated to about as much of a role as Nemesis got in Resident Evil Apocalypse. I like Reynolds (both of them actually… mmm, moustache!) and I like Deadpool, but I just couldn’t really get into the feeling of Deadpool with Ryan playing it. He’s really more of a psychotic, sword wielding Van Wilder, Murderous Rampage in an African Village Liason…

Hmmm…. Mental note: Pitch sequel idea.

Hugh Jackman does manage to bring back the Wolverine we know and love. It’s an odd sword of position for the character of Wolverine though. A lot of the tragedy of his character from the previous X-Men movies is gone from the character because a lot of it hasn’t technically happened yet. There’s already a character expectation built up, so it’s a little confusing watching a film with that character that then basically has none of the history. Like watching Escape from LA, and wondering what the deal with all the height jokes is.

Other characters that had previously been missing from the original trilogy, such as Gambit, finally make their mark. I’m aware that X-Men has been through roughly a dozen iterations, and Wolverine’s own story basically changes as often as a variant cover. But I’m gonna nerd rage, dammit! Considering how much fun Gambit was to some of the comic material, particularly in the sexual innuendo stakes, it’s saddening that he gets a total of less than five minutes screen time, and is about as two dimensional as the very paper most of his comics were printed on.

We also get the origins of Sabretooth in this installment. Gone is the wild eyed, fluffy Sabretooth that is so reminiscent of an extra in any play adapted from Charles Dickens. Liev Schrieber does play Sabretooth convincingly, although I feel they needed to give him bushier, stupider facial hair. The intense, passionate, and contrary feelings he holds for Wolverine are portrayed with amazing clarity. I actually don’t think I’ve seen emotions portrayed quite so convincingly from anyone in this entire franchise, with the exception of Patrick Stewart. And they only got those tears out of him by promising Rogaine, only to start laughing at the end of the shoot.

Effects wise, this movie is easily on par with every other part of the series. The only effect that I couldn’t suspend disbelief for was a moment where Wolverine downs a helicopter. I’ve got no issue with a single guy on a motorbike taking out a helicopter. I can totally believe that. What I find unbelievable was the way that the helicopter did not instantly explode upon landing, leaving a convenient amount of time for the occupants within to have their last soliloquy. Particle effects & CGI were par-excellence, with special “oooh” sounds going to Cyclops basically levelling his highschool. There’s also one scene where I swear Jackman piped up to the DOP and said “You know what? Let’s shoot this scene where I did Swordfish. We’ll get a cameo from Travolta!”. And because no one wanted to say no to a celebrity, but no one wanted to work with Travolta, back off to the red sands they went… You’ll see what I mean.

The only area that I felt was a real let down was the score. It could have been the speakers, but it just didn’t seem to flow all that well with the on screen action. It wasn’t jarring, or out of place. Merely bland. I’m aware that a lot of what actually provides mood for a film is the soundtrack. The use of sound is what scares the shit out of in The Ring. Likewise, it can move you in other ways. The score here failed to move me. No heart pounding during the action, no tears during the tragedy.

For a comic book adaptation, this movie is a massively enjoyable romp, and I do recommend seeing it if you enjoyed any of the original trilogy. Story wise, it does give insight into the way the Marvel universe operates under “movie rules”. The sort of rules that require actors to have, well, anatomy that conforms to human standards. The sort of rules that remind you costumes actually look really dumb when there are 86 belt pouches concealing the fact that hips can’t rotate that way. The sort of rules that re-imagine, instead of making some sort of travesty out of the source material.

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