Goths, as a group I’ve noticed, tend to obsess over and pontificate on death a fair bit. It tends to warp our perception on what is socially appropriate & acceptable in a given situation.
I’m no exception.

As I write this, my grandmother is on her death bed, moaning in pain, crying out for her mother… And i’m writing a blog post about it.

I keep having thoughts that I know are inappropriate, like that if I’d known this as going to happen today I’d have worn a shirt other than my “Teenage Suicide” design (like I’m able to predict a relative’s demise), or what font to get for my DNR tattoo so I don’t end up being revived and lying through this.

My brother just arrived with his infant child, and a shirt nearly as inappropriate as my on: StayPuffed marshmallow man.
My younger uncle has already collapsed in tears at the bed side, weeping openly in a rhythm that provides a counter point to moans of pain.
… And I stand here in the corner, typing, feeling nothing but alienated, and wondering whether I was never taught how to respond to a situation like this or if I’ve just forgotten.

My grandmother cries out in pain still, surrounded by her entire family as they wait for her to die, except for me… Standing in the corner and writing.

You might also like to read:

1. Mechanic fucked to death
2. Dead Like Me: Life After Death

2 Comments »

1. 

   well why dont you have any feelings of grief over your grandmother’s death?

   I mean perhaps you two were never close or something, but even the smallest of contact with someone leaves an imprint in our lives that has to affect us in some way. and for you not to feel anything is sort of offensive to her memory, not only that, but for you to say that you have no thought, neither warm or cold, about death, is a lie.
   One day, either you or someone you truly care about is going to perish and you won’t be saying that, you WILL be in pain and you will NOt be laughing in the face of death.

   It’s pure naiveté to think in such a pretentious narrow minded way. Sure we all die, we all grieve in different forms, to say you don’t is not a lie to the owrld, the world could care less whether you grieve or not, it’s a lie to yourself, i think anyone who does not fear death but welcomes it is false, i dont think that that perosn has truly grasped the vision of death.
   i’m sorry to offend you in any way put it just sounds ludicrous to me that you sit in a corner emotionless and barren from the true world of death, perhaps its not even you that bothers me, perhaps its this trend were death is an accessory, a toy that should just be left alone. I dont know, perhaps i envy your bland idealistic views,perhaps…but do know that one day you won’t think so pessimistaclly, so dark. One day you’ll think in genuine pain.

   Comment by meli — September 25, 2009 @ 5:55 am

2. 

   You seem to be totally unaware of the point of the post.
   Now, all told, she actually had a “good” death.
   Her pain was managed, and she expired quickly, surrounded by nearly her entire family.

   The issue I have here is that I was close to my grandmother, and I felt a shocking sense of alienation in that I couldn’t feel anything at all over the fact that she was dying.
   So which is worse? That you have a loved one that is dying? Or that you have been so desensitized by the things in your regular life, and your regular state of mind, that you not only feel nothing, but you are a) aware that you should be & b) incapable of actually feeling it.

   I’m not going “Oh geez, I’m such a tough git that I don’t even shed a tear when my Ma dies”. There was no laughter in the post. If you bothered to read it, you would read the horror in it.
   I’m passing a critique on my own personal defects, sociopathy perhaps, that I’m just not feeling anything in a situation when I’m well aware that I really should.

   Comment by Egofreaky — September 25, 2009 @ 1:53 pm

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