Let me put this out there right at the start. I’m really not a fan of the Harry Potter series.

I tried to like them. When Pottermania hit years ago, I forced myself to pick up the first book, thinking I might be in for a good read, and was just revolted by a novel that was written in literally the exact same style as you’re told to write in the book How to Write a Best Seller. For a person that had grown up reading H.P. Lovecraft and Terry Pratchett, J.K. Rowling‘s just isn’t that imaginative. If anything, it seemed a rather juvenile fantasy, and I couldn’t get more than halfway through the book before I put it down and went on to other things more productive.

As such, I’ve attempted to avoid the movies where possible too. Mostly a pride thing because I hate enjoying the same story in one form of media but disliking it in another, but also because I’d rather not sit through an entire screening surrounded by fans of Harry Potter. They make otaku seem almost normal. Hence the reason to see the late session on father’s day.

So, with my reasons behind me, I’m not going to bore you with a review of this film. I’m not going to tell you how much I think Rowling sucks as an author, how much I want to fuck Daniel Radcliffe, or how awesome the special effects and the music were. Those things are all a given.

What I am going to talk to you about is some of the things that this movie brought up that I thnk a lot of people massively overlooked… and I’m not talking about the homoerotic connotations of teenage boys playing with shafts of wood all the time. What I found quite interesting, and that no one else seems to have touched on (after a furious 10 minutes searching Google), is the amount of euphemistic gun violence in this particular Harry Potter movie.

That’s right: Gun, as in firearms, and violence, as in what you generally want to do to fans of Harry Potter films.

If you’ve seen the film, you know Snape kills Dumbledore, and if you haven’t I just spoiled it for you, but hey, so does this Tshirt… And I saved you the cost of a theater ticket, book and/or DVD.

The point is that Snape kills Dumbledore by basically shooting him in the chest, where upon he falls to his death.
Earlier in the piece, Harry discovers a spell (also by Snape… He’s basically responsible for everything really) that is “for enemies”… which Harry decides to use on Draco (pictured above, spooning him… Long slash fiction story) after a drawn out shooting fight in a bathroom, leaving an effect much like getting someone in the chest with both barrels of a 12 gauge.
Prior, Harry and the Weasley girl are taking pot shots at their attackers in a wheat field.
Characters point wands at each other threateningly.Larger wands (canes) are seized at the gate of Hogwarts, by security, upon entry because they may be a weapon.

Dumbledore even tells Harry to draw his wand, in a fashion akin to cops telling each other to pull their pieces, when they enter a suspiciously destroyed house and fearing danger…

The point is, the wands are guns. It’s as clear as “muggles” is a anti-semitic reference… (actually, it probably isn’t, but I’m throwing that reference out there for a friend who is probably now pissing himself with laughter, because we all know that the Potter series are actually a Zionist plot… like everything else in life).

It leaves me thinking two thoughts that may be conflicting, but may be complimentary, so follow me here.

Take the kids wands away, and give them guns instead.

This way, Hogwarts basically becomes like every other school in Britain for a start. But that’s not the only benefit! You’re also going to see a reduction in the number of attacks by evil wizards because whilst they may be able to travel as clouds of black-ink-in-water, or destroy bridges, it seems that the world of magic still doesn’t have much protection against cold steel and high velocity lead. Could it be that Hogwarts would actually be better protected by solid force of small arms and minor explosives? I’m thinking Quidditch players would probably make decent precision bombers here.

Of course, a downside is that students and teachers keep trying to bump each other off. It’s kind of like Rival Schools, but less Japanese and magical. Hey! The main character also has a scar on the right side of his forehead and a shit hairstyle so they must be totally the same… Or maybe I’m thinking of Battle Royale. The point is it’ll get bloody, quickly. After all it’s always so hard to tell what’s going to happen when you give hormonal teenagers that are cooped up in a confined area high caliber weapons, but whatever it is, you do know it’ll be entertaining to watch.

The point is, with more guns in schools, all those kids would be much safer from Helena Bonham Carter… because she is one creepy bitch, as we all learnt from Sweeney Todd.

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1 Comment »

1. 

   These posts make me feel better about the world. Of course, giving the good people of Hogwarts a Blues Brothers injection could also have productive results. After all, who can handle their wood when you’re to busy shakin’ a tail feather (of course Snape wouldn’t like this, not one bit) (but secretly he’s a Blue Harpist. Long held secret).

   Comment by Sweet Mercy McPhyro — September 9, 2009 @ 9:35 am

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