There are some films that are so awfully craptacularly pathetically bad, that they’re actually kind of cool.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, anything by Ed Wood, and now One Eyed Monster.

Like most films starring Ron Jeremy, the premise of this film once again revolves around Ron Jeremy’s cock. Only, this time, it’s not a porno. (Just read that back in your head with Don LaFontaine’s voice).

Set high in the mountains of North Carolina, a group of young hot somethings, Ron Jeremy, a saggy hasbeen, and a major douchebag attempt to make a bog standard porn film. Until something goes terribly wrong. And that something, is Ron Jeremy’s dick becoming a One Eyed Monster! That wants to fuck… YOU! Basically, thanks to a metero carrying some kind of intergalactic STI, the biggest dick around (Ron Jeremy) is infected, kills its host, and then attempts to fuck every woman and kill every man it can find. One assumes because this is a hilarious alien prank rather than an actual breeding method.

Best tagline. EVER!

Either way the movie is pointlessly bad, and unashamedly so. Much like in Orgasmo, the largest pearls of wisdom to be strung aroudn the necks of ladies is issued by Ron. The situations that people find themselves in are ludicrous. The characters are about as three dimensional as watching Avatar while wearing an eye patch over both eyes. In fact, everyone in the story of the movie is a godamn moron. Never mind some of the really obvious parts, such as “How does the cock move around? And faster than a snow mobile? And if it’s so fast, how come it doesn’t just kill every guy at once, and then fuck the presumably defenceless ladies? And how does something as soft as a cock manage to go through the back of someone’s skull, but still get trapped in a pocket pussy? How? WHY?!?!?!”

Perhaps the most surprising thing about the movie is actually the casting.

(one eyed) Monster Versus Alien (cock)

There are surprisingly few porn stars in a movie about filming a porn movie. Other than Ron Jeremy, the only other real porn star is Veronica Hart, who laments that she’s so old that no one wants her to be in porno anymore, even though through all the Kegel exercise she does, she’s tighter than a Jewish Scottsman from Hong Kong in times of economic upheaval.

Actors like Amber Benson, whom you will remember as Willow’s lesbian lover from the TV series Buffy. She plays a simple makeup girl… that is obsessed with Ron Jeremy’s cock to the point of protecting it, and by implication it’s bizarre alien love child growing within her, even once it’s clearly become an alien horror intent on devouring them all.

Charles Napier has basically been in every damn movie you’ve ever seen, you just don’t recognise him as he’s always a bit part. You’d probably recognise his voice though, fom the Simpsons all the way to the Buzz Lightyear cartoon series.

Or my personal favourite, Jeff Denton, a guy that’s in a knock off variant of major Hollywood blockbusters, such as Transmorphers and The Pirates of Treasure Island. In terms of Mockbuster movies, it doesn’t come much bigger than Jeff Denton. He’s essentially the Ron Jeremy of the non-porno world, a Non Jeremy if you will, shamelessly being in as many shoddy films a day as he possibly can be, and developing a small cult following of lesbian witches… I think.

The cast is like a giant cavalcade of nobodies!

As it should be… because this film is all about Ron Jeremy’s giant, mutant space cock.

I give it only half a spinning blue penis… but five stars.

You might also like to read:

1. If Watchmen were a children’s cartoon
2. X-Men Origins: Wolverine Review

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