The Goth Club

Well… maybe if programmers lived in my neighbourhood when I was growing up, this’d be a Saturday morning cartoon.

It would seem that I have exhausted the supply of legitimate, ye oldè religious cartoons that have very fucked up teachings (I still insist they a lot of them simply have not made their way to YouTube / Vimeo), so we’re going to have to go with a new tack to keep you folks entertained on a Saturday morning.

Last week I showed you all how I think The Wizard of Oz should have ended.

This week is scene you’d only normally find on the special edition, re-re-release of Avatar: Director’s Cut.

The real irony is that there actually was a sex scene in the script where they have intimate hair tendril sex… but it was cut because it might have been a bit too full on for the young children going to see it. Ummm, are these the same tendrils that their sticking in animals? Considering parasites and disease exist on every world, what kind of freaky STDs would they have picked up? Psychic worms? Bioluminescent herpes?

Being a little more serious, this scene does raise some interesting questions. Whilst one might think that these questions were actually answered by Kirk in the first series of Star Trek, and then again in numerous fantasy canon with all the half-fantasy race creatures out there (half-giant? Really now? How does that even work logistically? You either get torn in half by a giant’s cock that’s nearly the same size as you, or you drown in vaginal lubrication and it’s doubtful your sperm will get further than two feet… I suppose maybe some giants having alfresco out in the forest and accidentally missing and hitting the local village? But then there’s still the issue of women basically exploding to give birth. It’s all very anime!), but it hasn’t been!

That's right, James Cameron has made furrys of us all...

Precisely how do two vastly genetically different creatures actually mate? Interspecies erotica!! Kelly can be a guys name!!! The whole sex scene is in avatar was predicated on the basis that the N’avi anatomy was somewhat like the picture here, or was at least left for the viewers to believe it was such.

Even considering the fact that Jake is technically in a N’avi body, and one assumes is somewhat cognisant of the biology behind it simply from using it, there’s still the issues surrounding the psychological and social implications of sex not only with an entirely different species, but also simply not knowing what those issues are between species.

Ahhh, Photoshop. Hours of fun! Click for full size

Considering the primitive nature of the society in which the N’avi live, and the hostility of the world that they supposedly live so harmoniously with, it’s hard to imagine that there is actually expectation of monogamy, which is predominantly a social construct, and rarely exhibited in hostile environment species as they are attempting to spread as much of their genetic material as possible.

This still doesn’t take into account the social impacts. In Avatar, Jake’s actually responsible for the deaths of hundreds of people (which does get mentioned in the How Avatar Should Have Ended cartoon) because he should have actually been attempting to setup a trade deal of some kind. Let’s face it, humans wanted the metal under the tree… Surely, with technology advanced enough to go interstellar distances and be profitable, it would be more than possible to set up an ecologically friendly (as possible) mining operation if it were fully explained to the N’avi (let’s face it, if it’s worth $20m/kg, it’ll still be profitable to setup an expensive mining operation)… But no, let’s get some native bush in the bush with my hairy tendrils, thinks Jake Sully.

So what does Avatar teach us? Actually, it’s almost along the lines of religious teachings really (oh yeah, sneak the religion in for the getting-back-on-topic segue…).

We learn that we should:

• Be good to the environment;
• Respect one another;
• Not betray our own people, whomever they may be;
• and don’t fuck aliens (read: people that aren’t your skin colour) or you’ll be responsible for the apocalypse!

Personally, I give this extra scene four and a half spinning blue cocks.

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A.K.A. Dr Butcher MD…

With a cover like this, it has to be awesome, right?

No, it really is also known as that. It says so right on the cover.

You see, there are some movies that are absolute classics that they deserve a place on your shelf, wherethey can easily be accessed for repeate viewing. This isn’t one of them…

Ummm… ok. But there are some movies that are so cheesy, and with special effects so woefully bad that they have to be seen, at least once, like a Troma film… Right?

Right, but this isn’t one of them.

Fuck… So why is this movie being reviewed? Oh yeah, because it seems to show up in every fucking bargain bin you ever see so you may as well give in, because serendipity is going to rape your eye balls.

And because there are some movies that are so cheap ($1.99 bargain bin at the news agent), and happen to have all the right words on the cover (i.e. “zombie” and “holocaust”) as to push your buttons, and they look like the worst cross section of grind-house and exploitation flicks and snuff, that you think to yourself maybe it’ll be so bad that it’ll be awesome. Like anything starring Dolph Lundgren.

Now, with a cover and title like that, and a being cheaper than a cheeseburger, you’d think it’d have to be an awesome movie. And you’d have to be high to think that. Which is likely what I was at the time.

Now, let’s be honest here. How hard would it have been to come through with any of the promises on this cover? Let’s break it down.

1. Zombies – There’s a word that always deserves a second glance. Zombies. You always know a movie is good when it has zombies! Which is why it’s amazing that this movie has almost none of them. It has Cannibals. An entire island tribe of them. If it had been called Cannibal Holocaust, I probably wouldn’t have bothered. And those bastard producers knew it!
2. Holocausts – Yeah, no, not happening. You’d expect a few hundred, if not tens of thousands of zombies in something where the word “holocaust” comes right after the word “zombies”. I think there are like three. And they’re actually kind of really lame.
3. Explosions - There’s kind of a lame fire at the end… but nothing blows up. I’ve had house parties where I blow up more shit than gets kerploded in this film. And with the word “Holocaust” in the title, I’m either expecting some seriously fucking huge explosions, or a lot of Jews getting turned into soap… And there was more of the latter going on in Fight Club.
4. 

   "The zombies kept eating the hands when they tried to facepalm, so they got me for this pic instead"

   Naked Polynesian dudes – In all fairness, the movie actually delivers on this… Although in many of the scenes, a lot of the naked Polynesian dudes are very obviously actually naked Italian dudes. For a start, Polynesians tend not to grow handle bar moustaches. Especially if they’re still backwards cannibal tribes. They also don’t tend to paint their bodies like native American war chiefs.

5. The movie not trying to be cleverer than the audience that would willingly buy it – Unfortunately, this is where it all falls apart (Edit: Are you fucking serious? – Ego).
   There are a few scenes where the badly dubbed Italian actors begin to talk like they actually know what the fuck they’re doing (as opposed to “I’m an experienced sailor”, and then trying to start an outboard motor that’s half buried in sand on the beach). But whilst it shows they’re using logic, they’re still fucking it up. “How did the doctor know which island we were on, when Molotto took us to the wrong island?”… Uhhh, because it was Molotto that took you to the wrong island, so if you ended up on the right one, which you did, the doctor knows you’re actually on the fucking island! GAH!
   If that’s not quite bad enough, there’s also the whole ritual sacrifice of the horror movie standard blond chick. Not only does she willingly go to get sacrificed after kicking and screaming whilst being dragged away, the sacrifice then stops for no apparent reason, and the previously loyal-to-Dr.Butcher tribe decide to suddenly turn on him, andthe zombies they so feared… with no explanation what so ever!

So, if you find this flick in the bargain bin for under $4.28, then sure, buy it for someone you don’t like very much, or have a horror movie night with drinking games – every time the characters do something you didn’t actually expect (like make a sensible decision, or make sense, or just decide to calmly go along with being sacrificed), take a shot!

I give this film half a spinning blue penis… a limp one at that!

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Being a longterm Devil May Cry/God of War veteran, I thought I’d seen all Bayonetta had to offer from the screenshots. Style over substance, basically, with a tasty twist in using angels as the enemy/victim (as these games seem to all be about dispatching the enemy in various (not to mention visceral) ways while they basically stand there inoffensively like they’re at a picnic and there’s some pesky fly buzzing round them with guns and occasionally a sword.

However, there’s something about a girl with long dark hair and glasses that seems to spend a lot of time somewhat..underclad that has…well, gotten me into trouble on more than one occasion, and the graphics did look pretty cool, so I thought I’d give it a shot.

Holy f**k.

Yes, it is another paint-by-the-numbers button masher cinematic combat game from the gaping maw of Hideki Kamiya (DMC 1), but GOD is it pretty. I’m about three or four levels through it now, and already I’ve fallen down the mountainside on the remnants of a clock tower, slaughtered my way through countless angels in a Vienna/Prague pastiche European city, watched said city erupt into a giant fireball, ran along walls and up crumbling skyscrapers…I’d go on, but it’d ruin the game for you.

And the enemies – Baroque monstrosities with glittering white wings, sparkling gold armour and a definite undercurrent of malice. Needless to say, they explode nicely.

Good mindless fun – but a word of advice, don’t miss the Quicktime events. They only crop up once every now and then, usually when you’re being thrown at something or the building you’re in is about to be destroyed by a fireball – miss them and it’s Instadeath.

Guess it’s true – God really does hate Goths.

Also, go for the Climax edition if you can. Includes a soundtrack CD, gorgeous art book and a ceramic replica of one of Bayo’s trademark pistols. Good luck finding it though.

Rating: 4.5 Disemboweled Angels.

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There comes a time when we always wonder what would happen if vampires seriously attempted to rise up.
Would it be like in True Blood and they’d merely coexist, snorting w2ith derision every time they passed a goth?

Or perhaps something out of Twilight, with major accidents happening on freeways every time they drove in peak hour as people were blinded by the sparkling coming from dozens of cars?

Who would win in a fight between Angel and Count Chocula, knowing that C.C. has a legion of mind numbed and brainwashed children to carry out his bidding? And would Sesame Street’s own Count enter the fray, or would The Count be too busy sodomizing small children?

Finally, this video answers all your questions… Well, no, not really.

Although it does make you ask why none of the humans thought about silver…

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