The Goth Club

Well… maybe if programmers lived in my neighbourhood when I was growing up, this’d be a Saturday morning cartoon.

It would seem that I have exhausted the supply of legitimate, ye oldè religious cartoons that have very fucked up teachings (I still insist they a lot of them simply have not made their way to YouTube / Vimeo), so we’re going to have to go with a new tack to keep you folks entertained on a Saturday morning.

Last week I showed you all how I think The Wizard of Oz should have ended.

This week is scene you’d only normally find on the special edition, re-re-release of Avatar: Director’s Cut.

The real irony is that there actually was a sex scene in the script where they have intimate hair tendril sex… but it was cut because it might have been a bit too full on for the young children going to see it. Ummm, are these the same tendrils that their sticking in animals? Considering parasites and disease exist on every world, what kind of freaky STDs would they have picked up? Psychic worms? Bioluminescent herpes?

Being a little more serious, this scene does raise some interesting questions. Whilst one might think that these questions were actually answered by Kirk in the first series of Star Trek, and then again in numerous fantasy canon with all the half-fantasy race creatures out there (half-giant? Really now? How does that even work logistically? You either get torn in half by a giant’s cock that’s nearly the same size as you, or you drown in vaginal lubrication and it’s doubtful your sperm will get further than two feet… I suppose maybe some giants having alfresco out in the forest and accidentally missing and hitting the local village? But then there’s still the issue of women basically exploding to give birth. It’s all very anime!), but it hasn’t been!

That's right, James Cameron has made furrys of us all...

Precisely how do two vastly genetically different creatures actually mate? Interspecies erotica!! Kelly can be a guys name!!! The whole sex scene is in avatar was predicated on the basis that the N’avi anatomy was somewhat like the picture here, or was at least left for the viewers to believe it was such.

Even considering the fact that Jake is technically in a N’avi body, and one assumes is somewhat cognisant of the biology behind it simply from using it, there’s still the issues surrounding the psychological and social implications of sex not only with an entirely different species, but also simply not knowing what those issues are between species.

Ahhh, Photoshop. Hours of fun! Click for full size

Considering the primitive nature of the society in which the N’avi live, and the hostility of the world that they supposedly live so harmoniously with, it’s hard to imagine that there is actually expectation of monogamy, which is predominantly a social construct, and rarely exhibited in hostile environment species as they are attempting to spread as much of their genetic material as possible.

This still doesn’t take into account the social impacts. In Avatar, Jake’s actually responsible for the deaths of hundreds of people (which does get mentioned in the How Avatar Should Have Ended cartoon) because he should have actually been attempting to setup a trade deal of some kind. Let’s face it, humans wanted the metal under the tree… Surely, with technology advanced enough to go interstellar distances and be profitable, it would be more than possible to set up an ecologically friendly (as possible) mining operation if it were fully explained to the N’avi (let’s face it, if it’s worth $20m/kg, it’ll still be profitable to setup an expensive mining operation)… But no, let’s get some native bush in the bush with my hairy tendrils, thinks Jake Sully.

So what does Avatar teach us? Actually, it’s almost along the lines of religious teachings really (oh yeah, sneak the religion in for the getting-back-on-topic segue…).

We learn that we should:

• Be good to the environment;
• Respect one another;
• Not betray our own people, whomever they may be;
• and don’t fuck aliens (read: people that aren’t your skin colour) or you’ll be responsible for the apocalypse!

Personally, I give this extra scene four and a half spinning blue cocks.

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A.K.A. Dr Butcher MD…

With a cover like this, it has to be awesome, right?

No, it really is also known as that. It says so right on the cover.

You see, there are some movies that are absolute classics that they deserve a place on your shelf, wherethey can easily be accessed for repeate viewing. This isn’t one of them…

Ummm… ok. But there are some movies that are so cheesy, and with special effects so woefully bad that they have to be seen, at least once, like a Troma film… Right?

Right, but this isn’t one of them.

Fuck… So why is this movie being reviewed? Oh yeah, because it seems to show up in every fucking bargain bin you ever see so you may as well give in, because serendipity is going to rape your eye balls.

And because there are some movies that are so cheap ($1.99 bargain bin at the news agent), and happen to have all the right words on the cover (i.e. “zombie” and “holocaust”) as to push your buttons, and they look like the worst cross section of grind-house and exploitation flicks and snuff, that you think to yourself maybe it’ll be so bad that it’ll be awesome. Like anything starring Dolph Lundgren.

Now, with a cover and title like that, and a being cheaper than a cheeseburger, you’d think it’d have to be an awesome movie. And you’d have to be high to think that. Which is likely what I was at the time.

Now, let’s be honest here. How hard would it have been to come through with any of the promises on this cover? Let’s break it down.

1. Zombies – There’s a word that always deserves a second glance. Zombies. You always know a movie is good when it has zombies! Which is why it’s amazing that this movie has almost none of them. It has Cannibals. An entire island tribe of them. If it had been called Cannibal Holocaust, I probably wouldn’t have bothered. And those bastard producers knew it!
2. Holocausts – Yeah, no, not happening. You’d expect a few hundred, if not tens of thousands of zombies in something where the word “holocaust” comes right after the word “zombies”. I think there are like three. And they’re actually kind of really lame.
3. Explosions - There’s kind of a lame fire at the end… but nothing blows up. I’ve had house parties where I blow up more shit than gets kerploded in this film. And with the word “Holocaust” in the title, I’m either expecting some seriously fucking huge explosions, or a lot of Jews getting turned into soap… And there was more of the latter going on in Fight Club.
4. 

   "The zombies kept eating the hands when they tried to facepalm, so they got me for this pic instead"

   Naked Polynesian dudes – In all fairness, the movie actually delivers on this… Although in many of the scenes, a lot of the naked Polynesian dudes are very obviously actually naked Italian dudes. For a start, Polynesians tend not to grow handle bar moustaches. Especially if they’re still backwards cannibal tribes. They also don’t tend to paint their bodies like native American war chiefs.

5. The movie not trying to be cleverer than the audience that would willingly buy it – Unfortunately, this is where it all falls apart (Edit: Are you fucking serious? – Ego).
   There are a few scenes where the badly dubbed Italian actors begin to talk like they actually know what the fuck they’re doing (as opposed to “I’m an experienced sailor”, and then trying to start an outboard motor that’s half buried in sand on the beach). But whilst it shows they’re using logic, they’re still fucking it up. “How did the doctor know which island we were on, when Molotto took us to the wrong island?”… Uhhh, because it was Molotto that took you to the wrong island, so if you ended up on the right one, which you did, the doctor knows you’re actually on the fucking island! GAH!
   If that’s not quite bad enough, there’s also the whole ritual sacrifice of the horror movie standard blond chick. Not only does she willingly go to get sacrificed after kicking and screaming whilst being dragged away, the sacrifice then stops for no apparent reason, and the previously loyal-to-Dr.Butcher tribe decide to suddenly turn on him, andthe zombies they so feared… with no explanation what so ever!

So, if you find this flick in the bargain bin for under $4.28, then sure, buy it for someone you don’t like very much, or have a horror movie night with drinking games – every time the characters do something you didn’t actually expect (like make a sensible decision, or make sense, or just decide to calmly go along with being sacrificed), take a shot!

I give this film half a spinning blue penis… a limp one at that!

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Thanks to Buffy The Vampire Slayer, we are all well aware that the lamest and most awkward time in your life can be made substantially more awesome by adding in vampires… and a British guy that can sing.

But what happens if you suddenly take out all the cool and raunch of a show like Buffy, and instead added in all the lameness of a highschool drama? What if you crossed True Blood and Degrassi: The Next Generation?

You’d get The Vampire Diaries.

Guess which ones of us are dead! I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Much like Twilight and True Blood, these are based off a series of books from an author no one had ever heard of until recently, and all seemed to come out with remarkable speed. I guess the big push for vampires at the moment is the same as in the mid 90s. They’re the in thing again, and it needs to be squeezed into teenagers, so their cash is squeezed out, before they go back to some other form of disaffection with life and stop buying black clothes and silly hairstyles. On the bright side, I suppose this current craze could possibly see a revival in goth clubs… On the down side, they might insist on bringing the sound tracks to these shows with them, which in this case would include a fair bit of terrible terrible emo music. Yes, I hate My Chemical Romance in no small degree.

Back to the show!

She's like the Goth version of Hannah Montana

The plot revolves around Elena, a girl who’s parents died the year previously, being sort of taken care of an aunt, whilst she takes care of her dope fiend brother. She’s having a hard time at school, as all high school drama protagonists do. It should be pointed out the Elena is played by Nina Dobrev, who is probably one of the better people for this role. Why? Because she’s been in other teen horror crap before, she was in Degrassi: The Next Generation, and hell, she even had a part as an extra in Repo the Genetic Opera… So yeah, I’ll give her, and the casting director, some credit in this. She’s also not a woeful actor, unlike many many teenagers.

Enter Stefan, one of the founders of their small town, who is now a vampire, and looks about as much a teenager as Luke Perry did as Dylan. He’s here to recapture his lost love from 150 years prior, because Elena, who is not only underage, but so much younger than him that it’s all kinds of wrong (Buffy was wrong too… Except for Willow. Her relationships were all kinds of right.), and his troublesome brother, Damon (nice and obvious name there).

http://tengossip.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/vampire-diaries4.jpg

Stefan’s a “good” vampire, because he doesn’t drink human blood. Suck it up, bucko. Literally. Male humans come with a convenient-for-vampires meat straw that they’re more than happy to have someone, anyone, suck on so that some kind of fluid is drained out. It’s what the female fandom are secretly wanting in the first place. Ladies out there, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

I’ll admit to only having seen two episodes, but the show irritates me on a number of levels, and I’m not talking about how much they tried to get a guy that looked like “Edward” to cash in on the Stephanie Meyer / Twilight craze.

The show is simply not that well constructed.

For a start, plot devices ripped straight out of every other vampire series out there. The sunlight going ring from Buffy, so Stefan doesn’t burn up. The “I’m a good vampire now” shtick from numerous sources. The “She reminds me of a lost love” from Anne Rice. The highschool setting from Poppy Z Brite. It’s like it’s every good idea stolen and rolled in together.

The pacing is terrible. Admittedly, this is partially the fault of poor source material, but a good team of writers or director know how to pad scenes so that they can give better over all pacing to a show. True Blood is a fantastic example of how tacky source material can be redone to make a much better paced show.

The special effects are just annoying. One prime example: The mist. Ok, we get it, vampires like mist. But mist rises from the ground, it doesn’t billow in from the sides, and certainly not in great rolling gusts. Maybe it’s mystical mist! No, I still don’t buy it. It shouldn’t be hugging the ground like a thick blanket, but rather be a solid wall. I drive through mist on a regular basis when interstate tripping. It’s scary shit when it looms like a wall, and I only ever see it hug the ground in valleys. Also, crows… Seriously?

The soundtrack to this show is woeful. The non-diegetic music simply does not suit the scenes that they’re paired with, and it really does sound like they’re simply trying to slot tracks in so that later down the road they can sell an MTV approved sound track.

I think I’m going to have to write another article on heart throb vampires that don’t fucking sparkle…

In the meantime, here’s a clip from Vampire Diary (not Diaries). It’s done on a budget of almsot nothing, seems to have no script, yet still manages to not be so lame… No wait, it does.

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See it in 3D, or have angry face!

Wow… I don’t think I’ve ever seen a kid’s movie that was less appropriate for children other than perhaps Urotsukidoji. In seriousness though, it was a fantastic adaptation of the book. There was a slight deviation from the book (there always is, isn’t there) in the creation of the character ‘Wybourne’. Why he was added baffles me, and I can only thing it was to add some sort of love interest, because all preteens need one of those, right? But hey, read the book for yourself and decide which version you like better. I think the character of Wybourne adds a little bit more depth to Coraline’s character.

Buy the book, damn you!

Casting for this movie was pretty well done. Dakota Fanning as Coraline. She’s a precocious brat, so it works nicely. Whilst I didn’t exactly agree with the casting of Terri Hatcher as the mother, that they made the animated figurine look somewhat like she used to in the old Lois & Clarke series helped it along nicely and seemed to ease her into the  role… the flat head helped especially. The Cat, for me at least, was the most interesting pick. You’re going to watch this film and scratch your head wondering where the hell you’ve heard this guy’s voice before… because he’s in every bloody Xbox game worth playing! And he was also Goliath in Gargoyles, which you know you watched as a kid, even if you’d like to pretend you didn’t.

Visually speaking, this movie is amazingly good. Stop motion animation is always hard, and there are two recognised masters of it, Aardman films, and Burton’s team on Nightmare Before Christmas. The fluidity of animation, particularly of the ‘Other Mother’ after she’s transformed, is astounding, and to be honest, rather creepy at times.

This is what happens when you forget to do the gardening for a few years

The choice of soundtrack was interesting. As the movie is based of a children’s book, and is ostensibly aimed at children (very fucked up children who are going to be come the next generation of Goths, just like NMBC did with all the kids in the early 90s), it would be safe to assume that the sound track would also be somewhat aimed at children. However, you’d be amazingly wrong. The score, or at least the parts you’re going to remember, are a bloody creepy children’s choir for the ‘real’ world, and rather up beat orchestral melodies for the ‘other’ world… It fits the mood perfectly.

It needs to be stated that I saw this film in 3D, which I think really probably added to the experience in a big way. The added depth of field helped in no small way when it comes to the suspension of disbelief, and I’m thinking that a lot of animations will probably seem more “real” using 3D display technologies. With that said, the effect was let down by the a lot of red/green shift happening to things further back in the depth-of-field when they were dark colours. Just something to keep in mind if you decide to see this in 3D as well.

In the Goth Club movie rating system, I give this film four spinning blue penises.

Go and see it in 3D before it finishes atthe cinema, because the 60″ screen with 7.1 Doly surround sound that you call a home theater system is still 2D bile  in comparison.

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