Racist pun in the title! Wooo! Afterall, this post is a review of a Japanese anime series about vampires (of the bajillions that already exist).

Dance in the Vampire Bund is somewhere between a political intrigue thriller and high school romance, with a touch of excessive supra-martial arts action thrown in. Of course, as with all anime, there’s the standard lolicon / ephebophile content by having panty shots and cleavage galore from school girls in ludicrously (although not innacurately) short school dresses. DitVB takes this a step further by following along on the standard Poppy Z Brite mantra of it’s ok for them to actually be hyper sexed up twelve year olds… so long as they’ve been dead a few centuries before hand.

Essentially, the narrative sees vampires coming out into the open in a way rather similar to that of True Blood. Crappy TV news show appearances.

From there the male lead, Akira Kaburagi, quickly finds his idealic highschool life and somewhat fuzzy memory of childhood (because amnesia is so amazingly common in Japanese teenagers) as the Vampire Queen, Mina Tepes (picture above) waltzes into his life to remind he that he’s been promised to her… oh, and he totally forgot he was a werewolf!

(Don’t worry, these aren’t plot spoilers, it’s all in the first book / two episodes)

The plot is actually rather well done. Unlike numerous other vampire based anime with teenage appearanced vampires, such as Rosario + Vampire or Karin, Mina actually is into her third century and actually acts somewhat like it, with the exception of her crush on Akira… and let’s face it, we all know plenty of adults that do amazingly dumb things if they think they’re about to get it on with a teenager *cough*

Which is why the consistent “titillation” of the audience with a scantily clad twelve year old body just makes no sense. Cheap panty shots are generally the domain of an anime or manga series that stretching for time and appeal to cover up it’s near total lack of depth or character development.

Whilst DitVB characters are somewhat archetypal, the plot line of vampires basically becoming the corner stone of a reviving economy and demanding economic and political concessions to secede from a sovereign nation and form their own (hence the “bund” in the title) are not. The political sub-plots are handled with sincerity and aplomb, easily quite mature in their content and the way that they are handled (assassinations, kidnappings, turnings, etc.) without resorting to cheap gimmickery. Likewise, the relationship management with other clans of monsters.

Sadly, the cheap gimmicks seem to be there to stay for the highschool romance story line. i.e. the must have learning to cook in home-eco class, LOL the vampire queen fails because vampires don’t eat food… Not only could that be seen coming a mile off, it was entirely unneccesary to the development of other plot lines which were far more engaging.

It’s almost as if the author, Tamaki Nozomu, wanted to write a serious vampire story for an adult audience, and was instructed by the publishers to ensure that there was content for teenagers as well to ensure it was a commercial success… which is doubly odd because it was initially published in a monthly magazine aimed at mature adult males. Actually, that’s probably why there’s so many of the lack-of-tit-illating shots.

Either way, it’s actually an engaging series, so queue it up, get some pizza, and prepare for a marathon screening session because this is a damn site better than any of the crap Stephanie Meyer churns out… I hear her next series is going to involve Angels… that sparkle.

For those of you that don’t want to wait for someone to license this title, but feel guilty about downloading content from Pirate Bay, there episodes are currently available for free on Funimation’s Dance in the Vampire Bund YouTube Channel.

At the end of last month, I had far too much bandwidth left and a surfeit of free time due to a bit of a SNAFU regarding the bookstore I just purchased. I thought to myself, what a grea time to catch up on all of those movies that have come out recently about vampires that weren’t written by Stephanie Meyer, and other miscellaneous Japanese schlock horror. So I popped over to the BigPond movies site, as my local VideoEzy that was choc full of Korean porno closed last year, and just searched for “vampire”… This was my first mistake, as the fist movie that wasn’t part of the Twilight series to show up was Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant.

I can only presume there was an emphasis on “ass”, because that’s about as much as was being alternatively sucked or kissed by the central protagonist, Darren. (more…)

There are some films that are so awfully craptacularly pathetically bad, that they’re actually kind of cool.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, anything by Ed Wood, and now One Eyed Monster.

(more…)

Well… maybe if programmers lived in my neighbourhood when I was growing up, this’d be a Saturday morning cartoon.

It would seem that I have exhausted the supply of legitimate, ye oldè religious cartoons that have very fucked up teachings (I still insist they a lot of them simply have not made their way to YouTube / Vimeo), so we’re going to have to go with a new tack to keep you folks entertained on a Saturday morning.

Last week I showed you all how I think The Wizard of Oz should have ended.

This week is scene you’d only normally find on the special edition, re-re-release of Avatar: Director’s Cut.

The real irony is that there actually was a sex scene in the script where they have intimate hair tendril sex… but it was cut because it might have been a bit too full on for the young children going to see it. Ummm, are these the same tendrils that their sticking in animals? Considering parasites and disease exist on every world, what kind of freaky STDs would they have picked up? Psychic worms? Bioluminescent herpes?

Being a little more serious, this scene does raise some interesting questions. Whilst one might think that these questions were actually answered by Kirk in the first series of Star Trek, and then again in numerous fantasy canon with all the half-fantasy race creatures out there (half-giant? Really now? How does that even work logistically? You either get torn in half by a giant’s cock that’s nearly the same size as you, or you drown in vaginal lubrication and it’s doubtful your sperm will get further than two feet… I suppose maybe some giants having alfresco out in the forest and accidentally missing and hitting the local village? But then there’s still the issue of women basically exploding to give birth. It’s all very anime!), but it hasn’t been!

Precisely how do two vastly genetically different creatures actually mate? Interspecies erotica!! Kelly can be a guys name!!! The whole sex scene is in avatar was predicated on the basis that the N’avi anatomy was somewhat like the picture here, or was at least left for the viewers to believe it was such.

Even considering the fact that Jake is technically in a N’avi body, and one assumes is somewhat cognisant of the biology behind it simply from using it, there’s still the issues surrounding the psychological and social implications of sex not only with an entirely different species, but also simply not knowing what those issues are between species.

Considering the primitive nature of the society in which the N’avi live, and the hostility of the world that they supposedly live so harmoniously with, it’s hard to imagine that there is actually expectation of monogamy, which is predominantly a social construct, and rarely exhibited in hostile environment species as they are attempting to spread as much of their genetic material as possible.

This still doesn’t take into account the social impacts. In Avatar, Jake’s actually responsible for the deaths of hundreds of people (which does get mentioned in the How Avatar Should Have Ended cartoon) because he should have actually been attempting to setup a trade deal of some kind. Let’s face it, humans wanted the metal under the tree… Surely, with technology advanced enough to go interstellar distances and be profitable, it would be more than possible to set up an ecologically friendly (as possible) mining operation if it were fully explained to the N’avi (let’s face it, if it’s worth $20m/kg, it’ll still be profitable to setup an expensive mining operation)… But no, let’s get some native bush in the bush with my hairy tendrils, thinks Jake Sully.

So what does Avatar teach us? Actually, it’s almost along the lines of religious teachings really (oh yeah, sneak the religion in for the getting-back-on-topic segue…).

We learn that we should:

• Be good to the environment;
• Respect one another;
• Not betray our own people, whomever they may be;
• and don’t fuck aliens (read: people that aren’t your skin colour) or you’ll be responsible for the apocalypse!

Personally, I give this extra scene four and a half spinning blue cocks.

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