If you’ve never seen Dead Like Me, then you’re not just living.

Terrible puns aside, this was a TV series that not only had an intriguing premise, it had fantastically believable actors, great drama, and a whole mess of interwoven storylines that just never got wrapped up in the TV series. It had a solid two seasons, but I get the feeling that  the show was simply too esoteric to really get a large enough audience to keep it going… So they wrapped it up with an ending that was pretty final, but also left pretty much every thread still hanging out.

That’s right, the vast majority of the storylines were completely unfinished, and they finished the series. Most likely this was because Bryan Fuller, the creator and original writer left after “complications with the studio”… He then went on to do other amazing shows like Pushing Daisies and the pilot for The Amazing Screw On Head… oh, and this little show you might not know about yet called Heroes.

This left the title, and the yet to be released films, in the hands of hacks brought in by the MGM, Masius and Godchaux… who have shows such as Touched By An Angel to their name. Yes, I hear you facepalming out there. I was too when I found this out.

Whilst Life After Death has a similar feel to the TV show, it really wasn’t the same. The character always had a certain sense of cynicism and defeatism about them, resigned to do their jobs as reapers, and fully aware of how the system worked. In this, they somehow mysteriously forget all that and fuck things up incredibly like it’s the first few episodes all over again, and then solve the problem in the most unimaginative way possible: Attempting to kill the dead guy.

Sadly, this is more due to the screening time being over in 10 minutes, because they’d fucked up the pacing.

Which is sad, because the storyline featuring George, the main character of the TV series, was actually well written, well thought out, and well paced… In fact, it wasalmost exactly like an episode of Touched By An Angel… which was not what was expected in the slightest when I got this.

To sum it up, they finally attempt to finish off the TV series, but really just made a double episode.

Are you as sick of Twilight as I am?

Good. Then maybe we can get back to some real vampire stories, like the sort Poppy Z Br–

*kaTHUNK* … *TWANG!*

Sorry, that’s me hurting myself over beginning that suggestion. Let’s start over.

Are you as sick of vampires sparkling in the daylight as I am? Thanks to a half ok written set of books, and a really shitty movie (soon to have a sequel), Vampirism has basically been turned from the dark and brooding mystery it was when I was a lame teenage wannabe vampire goth thanks to Anne Rice, to basically being the next misunderstood minority now that it’s ok to be gay… And like movies about gay guys, they’re thin, pouty, and you really really want to sodomize them.

Well, all is not lost. Thank the powers that be that the Europeans still now how to make good movies based of decently well written books, instead of turning them into steaming piles of crap.

Let The Right One In is one such book, and it’s been made into a remarkably good film.

The gist is that Oskar, a 12 year old ideal of Aryan perfection notices a new girl, Eli, move into his apartment building… And that he only ever sees her at night… and that she doesn’t need to wear heavy padded clothing in the middle of the night in the middle of winter in the middle of Sweden. Being the outcast at school that he is, he quickly befriends her

And then people in the town start to die mysteriously and they fall in love.

Where this deviates from most vampire films that don’t sparkle is that it is: a) a romantic drama; b) not about the vampire; and c) you’ll go to jail if you happen to have topless shots of the main characters on your computer, regardless of the fact that the film actually does do a couple nude scenes.

Now, I’m going to be honest and say I know dick about the Scandinavian film industry, but this really is a masterpiece.

The sets & costumes made it almost impossible to believe that this movie was not shot at some point in the 80s and simply digitally remastered. Terribly out of date clothes, tiny CRG TV sets, little government built apartments, awful haircuts all round. Simply impeccable set and costume design.

The score was very well rendered by one Johan Söderqvist (who I am now trying to find in the torrents). At all times it was appropriate to the scene and well blended instead of attempting to force the emotion of the moment on to you. So much so that you can’t even distinctly remember a catch. It’s just… pleasant.

The acting was rather impressive. In the film industry, you’re never meant to work with animals or children. Especially first timers. Yet Kåre Hedebrant and Lina Leandersson pull off some amazingly realistic performances. The awkwardness of a young child, and the even more awkwardness of a child that is now dead and cant’ even remember when it happened. The build the characters in a most believable way.

Honestly, my accolades shouldn’t be that surprising. The book and film have won over 50 awards combined, and not just crappy European ones. If you’re the sort of person that doesn’t really mind reading subtitles, this movie is well worth it.

Go see it before it finishes its runs at the art house cinemas.

At first, I didn’t think I’d write a review of this film.

I thought to myself: What self respecting goth wants to see a movie about a maladjusted social misfit entirely decked out in tight black leather with knives for hands?

Then I thought: Oh yeah…

In all honesty, this is actually a pretty good piece of entertainment. I say entertainment, and not cinema or film, because if you even had passing interest in higb-brow theatrics that makes a grand political statement you will be saddend. The closest it gets to political commentary is a nod to the stupidity of Bush’s pre-emptive doctrine.

If you are a fan of the original comics, you’re likely going to rage over this almost as badly as if they’d given Hugh Jackman a massive blue swinging cock and twirled it in your face for three hours. And getting massively dicked is exactly what happens to other favourite Marvel characters, such as Deadpool… Or the way that Wolverine is seemingly picked up by the Kent family about half way through. It could only have been made more apparent if they’d said their now missing son was a journalist. That said, if you’re like 95% of the movie going public and you’re not a rabid fan of the comics, there’s nothing to worry about. It’s not like the original material was totally raped. The kind of rape that one normally reserves for montage sequences of US soldiers in Vietnam going berserk… Ahhh, there it is, in the opening credits! Fantastic. Let us proceed!

Ryan Reynolds is cast as Deadpool. He actually does a pretty good job of being the massive smart arse Deadpool is mean to be. This really could have been developed for something that was a bit more conducive to advancing the story. Unfortunately, the character was relegated to about as much of a role as Nemesis got in Resident Evil Apocalypse. I like Reynolds (both of them actually… mmm, moustache!) and I like Deadpool, but I just couldn’t really get into the feeling of Deadpool with Ryan playing it. He’s really more of a psychotic, sword wielding Van Wilder, Murderous Rampage in an African Village Liason…

Hmmm…. Mental note: Pitch sequel idea.

Hugh Jackman does manage to bring back the Wolverine we know and love. It’s an odd sword of position for the character of Wolverine though. A lot of the tragedy of his character from the previous X-Men movies is gone from the character because a lot of it hasn’t technically happened yet. There’s already a character expectation built up, so it’s a little confusing watching a film with that character that then basically has none of the history. Like watching Escape from LA, and wondering what the deal with all the height jokes is.

Other characters that had previously been missing from the original trilogy, such as Gambit, finally make their mark. I’m aware that X-Men has been through roughly a dozen iterations, and Wolverine’s own story basically changes as often as a variant cover. But I’m gonna nerd rage, dammit! Considering how much fun Gambit was to some of the comic material, particularly in the sexual innuendo stakes, it’s saddening that he gets a total of less than five minutes screen time, and is about as two dimensional as the very paper most of his comics were printed on.

We also get the origins of Sabretooth in this installment. Gone is the wild eyed, fluffy Sabretooth that is so reminiscent of an extra in any play adapted from Charles Dickens. Liev Schrieber does play Sabretooth convincingly, although I feel they needed to give him bushier, stupider facial hair. The intense, passionate, and contrary feelings he holds for Wolverine are portrayed with amazing clarity. I actually don’t think I’ve seen emotions portrayed quite so convincingly from anyone in this entire franchise, with the exception of Patrick Stewart. And they only got those tears out of him by promising Rogaine, only to start laughing at the end of the shoot.

Effects wise, this movie is easily on par with every other part of the series. The only effect that I couldn’t suspend disbelief for was a moment where Wolverine downs a helicopter. I’ve got no issue with a single guy on a motorbike taking out a helicopter. I can totally believe that. What I find unbelievable was the way that the helicopter did not instantly explode upon landing, leaving a convenient amount of time for the occupants within to have their last soliloquy. Particle effects & CGI were par-excellence, with special “oooh” sounds going to Cyclops basically levelling his highschool. There’s also one scene where I swear Jackman piped up to the DOP and said “You know what? Let’s shoot this scene where I did Swordfish. We’ll get a cameo from Travolta!”. And because no one wanted to say no to a celebrity, but no one wanted to work with Travolta, back off to the red sands they went… You’ll see what I mean.

The only area that I felt was a real let down was the score. It could have been the speakers, but it just didn’t seem to flow all that well with the on screen action. It wasn’t jarring, or out of place. Merely bland. I’m aware that a lot of what actually provides mood for a film is the soundtrack. The use of sound is what scares the shit out of in The Ring. Likewise, it can move you in other ways. The score here failed to move me. No heart pounding during the action, no tears during the tragedy.

For a comic book adaptation, this movie is a massively enjoyable romp, and I do recommend seeing it if you enjoyed any of the original trilogy. Story wise, it does give insight into the way the Marvel universe operates under “movie rules”. The sort of rules that require actors to have, well, anatomy that conforms to human standards. The sort of rules that remind you costumes actually look really dumb when there are 86 belt pouches concealing the fact that hips can’t rotate that way. The sort of rules that re-imagine, instead of making some sort of travesty out of the source material.

So what could be one of the worst movie tie-ins you can think of for a child’s toy? Something that’s not only inappropriate, but will also fly right over the kids’ heads, so to speak.

Old Yeller dog food… Actually, Disney already did that one.

Reservoir Dogs edition Elmo dolls?

How about Alfred Hitchock edition Barbie Dolls? The Birds specifically.

One really has to wonder which genius in marketing thought this one up.

Let’s face it, it’s not like young girls are going to get it… Or young boys if that’s their bag. And for those old enough to get it, Barbie has either lost her charm, or their those freaky avid collectors who really would much prefer a Norman/Mother Bates as they can get a sense of identification with the doll… Finally, they can be just like their idol, Barbie… A freakish man that dresses up as his own dead mother.

It makes me wonder what is going to come out of Mattel next.

The obvious one is Psycho. You could easily tie it all in with the Barbiebates Dream Motel, that Brad drives up to in the Barbie Dream Ford Custom, after having stolen several thousand dollars to impress his ex-wife, Marisa (Barbie never had a friend named Marion, according to Wikipedia). Then Ken comes out, and the fun starts from there… You could even change it to a more recent movie with the same characters if you prefer… Saw, for instance. You only need some drawing pins, and a small butane lighter.

Personally, I’d love to see an Eraserhead Transformers set. It could be an actual eraser… that transforms… into a head…

Hey, fuck you! It’s still funnier and better than anything Michael Bay came up with!

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