Allow me to tell you a tale.

I run a bookstore in Melbourne, Australia. A trip about as far from Massachusetts as it is possible to get, unless one happens to be a British convict. However, perhaps that should have read “I ran”.
For you see, within my realm of fantasy and speculative fiction, I have a “Cthulhu Cthable”, upon which recently had Where the Deep Ones Are, an illustrated children’s book, been added to its stock. To help display it, I sought an appropriate toy, a mere googaw, that children would be less likely to grab and grubbify with their horrible spawnling ichors – my Graduation Cthulhu plush was looking shabby. Degraded. Unsightly. Their pawing digits would only serve to destroy my sacred figurine.
Shopping about online lead me to the terrifying realisation that no longer were ToyVault producing more of my preferred icon, either. Link after link I clicked within the strange, whorling eddies that is Google Image search when using the CoolIris plugin, attempting to find a replacement at a price that would not leave me a pauper until my next paycheck.

And then I found it!

A site that had every imaginable horror that broken, vulgar, gibbering minds could contemplate and create. Turning to the page, I found myself on Regretsy… only, I was looking at an item that no one in love with Lovecraft would ever regret.
I found there monstrous chimera! Abominations unto felt! I had stumbled upon the sales profile of one Rebecca Blackberrythorn.
She had clearly studied under Herbert West, or at least somehow managed to stumble upon some of his arcane texts. Specifically, the ones concerning the creation of artificial life from dead tissues. Using only the proscribed proficiency one could gain from these forbidden tomes could the carcasses of so many nylons be stitched together to create what I beheld.

Since this thing came into my boutique, nothing but misfortune has come upon me.
Customers pick it up and laugh. Laugh! They are laughing at me! They query from whence it came or how much would it cost for them to purchase, then put it down laughing all the more! Never purchasing it. Couriers arrive and bring me a never ending stream of paperwork and books and jargon!
And it has been that way since 10:00am this very morning! Since the accursed thing arrived!

And it continues to sit there. A horrific visage that I cannot bear to continue looking upon. It’s gaping maw and vacant eyes simply staring into some terrible void that cannot be seen by mortal eyes, piping the music of Nox Arcana from the speaker it sits atop.
As I write this, a shiver runs my spine for I am aware that so long as this profane object is here, my fortunes will not reverse. I cannot bear to continue my living as I once had whilst I sit in its presence. I can feel a change coming upon me. A change that will prevent me from continuing to run my business as I once had.

I shall continue down this path unto madness…

Just as did once my dear friend and colleague, Bernard L Black…

Spread the hate

I was recently put on to this cartoon by a good comedian friend of mine, Michael Connell. Considering he’s a clean comedian, I’m not sure how it fits into his media diet. I have a mental image of him secretly delighting in all the crass humour, innuendo, and straight up fuckeduptitude that this show puts forth.

Think of a world where demons, vampires, wizards, monsters and robots have lived in society all along. It’s kind of like Terry Pratchett‘s Discworld in the modern era. Imagine what New York City would be like if that had been the way of society all along. There! You have Comedy Central’s new animated series: Ugly Americans.

The series focuses on Mark Lilly, a human social worker at the Department of Integration. He’s charged with getting various immigrants and non-humans to become naturalised in the way of American life. Unfortunately, his girlfriend is also a demon and happens to be in charge of HR, whilst their branch manager is yet another demon who consistently is looking for ways to get rid of Lilly. Combined with a resentful, alcoholic wizard as a partner, and a zombie that’s going through brain withdrawals as a house mate, it’s a fun little romp.

So far the show has two seasons and with the exception of the first episode, it doesn’t particularly matter if you watch them in or out of sequence. They’re almost entirely episodic, similar to The Simpsons, which in some ways is a pity as there’s clearly scope for a long running series. The animation style is somewhat similar to Daria, and the humour is fairly reminiscent as well… if Daria perhaps lived in Bon Temps.

Here’s a clip!