See, I use this as therapy. I’m not actually up here trying to get you guys to laugh, so much as get some shit off my chest. Laughter is a bonus. But let’s see if we can get a bonus round going.
In the meantime sit back, take a stiff shot and here we fucking go.

Regulars here know I’m jewish.
Ooooh, jewish blogger. Big fucking surprise. A jewish blogger that loves to have his lunatic rants and that’s unemployed.
Jewish blogger that’s unemployed and neurotic?!!? How many stereotypes can I be?
Does comedy? I do.
Failed at acting? Certainly.
Drinking? Check!
Smoking? For sure!
Self destructive arsehole? Why not.
Good with math? I’ll do your fucking taxes so long as you pay me.

Yeah, angry. Very fucking angry.
See, I’m not a terribly good jew. In fact, I’m something of an anti-semite.
If I was any other racial group, it’d just be me poking shit… But if you’re a jew and you make jokes about jews, you’re a self-hating anti-semite.
I never got that shit, actually. I don’t hate myself at all. I just hate every other fucking jew I end up meeting.
If you hate yourself, you commit suicide… or start watching daytime TV.

I love myself. I jerk off every damn chance I get and I’ll wax my own arsehole.
Anyone here ever considered waxing someone’s arsehole when they don’t like them?

Fuck no! You only do that shit for someone you intend to stick your dick or your tongue into, and if I could I would, but I can’t so I have to settle for the fucking wax job and maybe the odd fist.

And that’s how I know there is no god!
That’s what finally made it click for me.
All the wars? God has his people.
All the poverty and misery? God works in mysterious ways.
Evil and cruel people getting ahead at life at the expense of the Just and the Good? God is testing your faith.

Anal hair?

Clearly we are random by products of an uncaring process of evolution, because I hate to think we’re created in god’s own image and still have hairs growing out of our arses!

In this scenario, the alternative, that god does indeed exist, is actually even worse. It goes to show that god is clearly either insane, uncaring, or the most callously evil being to exist… And not just because your assfro has no practical purpose other than to ensure you can’t pass on your seed. Look at this Cistine Chapel shit painted by Michaelangelo. Does god have enough hair to make plugs with when he starts going bald? Hell no. Smooth as the day he was born of himself to a virgin so he could sacrifice himself to himself in order to save you all from the original sin which he actually kinda made you do in the first place. And I thought my mother was good at convoluted psychology to make me feel guilty.

Or maybe that anal hair is just there to catch the fish.

What the fuck do I know, it’s nearly 2am and I have shit to do tomorrow.

Ever wondered who has to clean up the mess when some schmuck blows his brains out?

Turns out it’s pretty much the same person that cleans your house if you’re rich enough to afford a maid service.

Perhaps iot was because I was already in a bad mood thanks to Chadstone giving me the run around due to construction works, but I found this flcik to be profoundly saddening, with an ending that felt tacked on to simply make you not become the next job on the list of the main characters.

Allow me to explain.

Rose (Amy Adams) is in love with the same guy she was going out with in highschool, still seeing him in fact, even though he’s currently expecting another kid with his actual wife. He’s a cop, she’s a cleaner, I’mexpecting Penelope Cruz to strut in any moment… She doesn’t. Phew! Let’s move on. She’s struggling to raise her son who is gifted, and misbehaves to the point where he has been expelled. The struggle is because she’s actually a controlling bitch who thinks she has to take care of everyone even if they don’t need or wnat her to. Her sister Norah (Emily Blunt), who’s never moved out of their father’s (Alan Arkin) home since their own mother committed suicide, is a complete fuck up goth chick who can’t even hold down a job at a burger joint and is (presumably) in her late 20s at least. Their father is a shyster, consistently going from one hair brained get rich quick scheme to another… usually in the sale of dodgy food products.

All of them are deeply unhappy, unable to form relationships of any kind of meaning, and generally massively dysfunctional.

So the two sisters decide to go into business cleaning up homicide scenes!! Wooooh!

Whilst I can see that being a realistic business decision (someone’s gotta do it, and the money is good), the sheer stupidity of both the characters, both from the outset when they decide to clean a murder scene without even wearing gloves, to the complete and utter ineptitude at which they handle interactions with those around them, is mind boggling.

No wonder she’s still getting being used for sex by the highschool QB, when a perfectly nice guy who basically does her every favour she asks rots away in the back of his shop.

The story is actually somewhat formulaic and predictable. What is refreshing is the twist given to it, but it doesn’t cover up the glaring issues.

Videographically speaking, this movie is refreshing. They don’t bother with filters to alter the mood. They don’t insert scenes where they’re not needed. The vast majority of the the film is set in American suburbia, shot on location in a way that gives you the impression of just a place that could be absolutely anywhere. For a brief moment, I actually thought they’d shot in Adelaide.

The acting all around is actually quite good. I was believing that the actors were their characters for a good portion. It’s what saves this movie from being a tired, semi-arthouse that no one but Jay Sherman would bother to watch.

All up, it’s worth seeing if you have the hankering to see a movie, but can’t stand the idea of seeing a “block buster” because you’re a pretentious wanker, or simply hate Michael Bay.