Well… maybe if programmers lived in my neighbourhood when I was growing up, this’d be a Saturday morning cartoon.

It would seem that I have exhausted the supply of legitimate, ye oldè religious cartoons that have very fucked up teachings (I still insist they a lot of them simply have not made their way to YouTube / Vimeo), so we’re going to have to go with a new tack to keep you folks entertained on a Saturday morning.

Last week I showed you all how I think The Wizard of Oz should have ended.

This week is scene you’d only normally find on the special edition, re-re-release of Avatar: Director’s Cut.

The real irony is that there actually was a sex scene in the script where they have intimate hair tendril sex… but it was cut because it might have been a bit too full on for the young children going to see it. Ummm, are these the same tendrils that their sticking in animals? Considering parasites and disease exist on every world, what kind of freaky STDs would they have picked up? Psychic worms? Bioluminescent herpes?

Being a little more serious, this scene does raise some interesting questions. Whilst one might think that these questions were actually answered by Kirk in the first series of Star Trek, and then again in numerous fantasy canon with all the half-fantasy race creatures out there (half-giant? Really now? How does that even work logistically? You either get torn in half by a giant’s cock that’s nearly the same size as you, or you drown in vaginal lubrication and it’s doubtful your sperm will get further than two feet… I suppose maybe some giants having alfresco out in the forest and accidentally missing and hitting the local village? But then there’s still the issue of women basically exploding to give birth. It’s all very anime!), but it hasn’t been!

Precisely how do two vastly genetically different creatures actually mate? Interspecies erotica!! Kelly can be a guys name!!! The whole sex scene is in avatar was predicated on the basis that the N’avi anatomy was somewhat like the picture here, or was at least left for the viewers to believe it was such.

Even considering the fact that Jake is technically in a N’avi body, and one assumes is somewhat cognisant of the biology behind it simply from using it, there’s still the issues surrounding the psychological and social implications of sex not only with an entirely different species, but also simply not knowing what those issues are between species.

Considering the primitive nature of the society in which the N’avi live, and the hostility of the world that they supposedly live so harmoniously with, it’s hard to imagine that there is actually expectation of monogamy, which is predominantly a social construct, and rarely exhibited in hostile environment species as they are attempting to spread as much of their genetic material as possible.

This still doesn’t take into account the social impacts. In Avatar, Jake’s actually responsible for the deaths of hundreds of people (which does get mentioned in the How Avatar Should Have Ended cartoon) because he should have actually been attempting to setup a trade deal of some kind. Let’s face it, humans wanted the metal under the tree… Surely, with technology advanced enough to go interstellar distances and be profitable, it would be more than possible to set up an ecologically friendly (as possible) mining operation if it were fully explained to the N’avi (let’s face it, if it’s worth $20m/kg, it’ll still be profitable to setup an expensive mining operation)… But no, let’s get some native bush in the bush with my hairy tendrils, thinks Jake Sully.

So what does Avatar teach us? Actually, it’s almost along the lines of religious teachings really (oh yeah, sneak the religion in for the getting-back-on-topic segue…).

We learn that we should:

• Be good to the environment;
• Respect one another;
• Not betray our own people, whomever they may be;
• and don’t fuck aliens (read: people that aren’t your skin colour) or you’ll be responsible for the apocalypse!

Personally, I give this extra scene four and a half spinning blue cocks.

So I was looking around for more fucked up religious videos for you guys to watch at 6:30am today, in your jammies, eating your Cocoa Pops, or maybe a porridge that you made with Baileys because you’re “all out of milk” and are getting amazingly drunk off the fumes emanating from the steaming goo without even realising it, because most people are unaware that the capillaries in your nose will actually absorb alcohol faster than any other method of ingestion other than an enema… but sadly couldn’t find anything.

Sadly, everything I was finding was either shit I’ve already posted or was just appallingly bad. And as we know this blog brings you nothing but quality material as you would expect of the verbose and stimulatingly intellectual conversational variety you’d expect on a night out at something like Black Widows, or maybe at the Phoenix. This frustrates me no end, because I actually do recall hours of religiously indoctrinating animated (or, if I was lucky, claymated) pap that on recollection was actually amazingly offensive, racist, or generally fucked up. The kind of stuff that would make Jesus weep… because that whiny emo only child sure as hell did a lot of weeping, and asking Roman’s to cut him because he couldn’t go through with it himself.

However, I think I did manage to find something better. Oddly enough, better came from Bing. Yeah, Microsucks’ search engine actually gave me what I was after where Google and YouTube (which is actually Google anyway) kept returning me to junk I’ve already either posted, rejected, or in about four cases actually linked me back to old posts on here. But what did I find was a fantastic, magical site where they seem to have brought to life every fantasy I have about how films should actually have ended.

Oddly enough, the site is called How It Should Have Ended (dotcom).

But the best part? They animate almost all of it!

Here’s some Wizard of Oz for you.

Here’s some anime bible for you, with god dolling out wrath… and a robot… on Noah’s ark… with Noah… and only two very young children… kind of like Lafayette Ron Hubbard…

All this talk of religion lately, it leaves me with a line of questioning I don’t think anyone really stops to think about once they’re fully indoctrinated into their ideological pap.

As far as Monotheism goes, we’re basically up to V3.x with Islam. Abraham, Jesus and Mohammed. Some pretty fucking major prophets right there, never mind all the people that did spin offs on the show, like Martin Luther or Joseph Smith. There’s some serious time between these major upgrades, six centuries at a minimum.

If any of them were the one true religion, precisely why does it take their god so fucking long down his own little timeline (i.e. Islam has been around for about a quarter of the time that’s been since the Earth was created, Judaism’s got only a little over two thirds) to actually remind people about him and get them to start worshipping properly?

I mean, surely, if there was one true religion he’d have gone “Noah, remembereth the cataclysm of flood upon which i wrought terrible wrath upon an unfaithful land? Lo, tell all ye inhabitants of yon lands beyond where sky meets earth to worship me as the one true lord… bitches.”

Surely that religion would have been started, by god and his prophets, a little bit closer to the beginning of time, instead of waiting somewhere along the six and a half thousand (supposed) years of history to reveal it.

I figured it wasn’t possible to be more offensive than my last few Saturday posts.

But you know that trite expression people say about others that make assumptions? Yes, it goes “If you ASS-U-ME… you’re a little bitch, and wrong!”

And like a little bitch, I was wrong.

So today, I bring you evidence of the one true religion:

Supramadgism!

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