If you go to SupaNova at all, you’re probably familiar with John Robertson. He’s a Perth based comedian that does a lot of nerdcentric comedy. He’s also a tad on the gawth side. And it’s with no small pleasure that he’s at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival this year… Which basically makes for two goth comedians, and half a dozen nerdcentric shows.

A Nifty History of Evil is a fun romp through John’s facial expressions, mans inhumanity to man, movie villians, and a puppet show about the Marquis DeSade… Which is in no way related to the store Marquis And DeSade, located in North Road, Ormond… Even if John happened to spend the entire show wearing a black PVC corset. (more…)

Well… maybe if programmers lived in my neighbourhood when I was growing up, this’d be a Saturday morning cartoon.

It would seem that I have exhausted the supply of legitimate, ye oldè religious cartoons that have very fucked up teachings (I still insist they a lot of them simply have not made their way to YouTube / Vimeo), so we’re going to have to go with a new tack to keep you folks entertained on a Saturday morning.

Last week I showed you all how I think The Wizard of Oz should have ended.

This week is scene you’d only normally find on the special edition, re-re-release of Avatar: Director’s Cut.

The real irony is that there actually was a sex scene in the script where they have intimate hair tendril sex… but it was cut because it might have been a bit too full on for the young children going to see it. Ummm, are these the same tendrils that their sticking in animals? Considering parasites and disease exist on every world, what kind of freaky STDs would they have picked up? Psychic worms? Bioluminescent herpes?

Being a little more serious, this scene does raise some interesting questions. Whilst one might think that these questions were actually answered by Kirk in the first series of Star Trek, and then again in numerous fantasy canon with all the half-fantasy race creatures out there (half-giant? Really now? How does that even work logistically? You either get torn in half by a giant’s cock that’s nearly the same size as you, or you drown in vaginal lubrication and it’s doubtful your sperm will get further than two feet… I suppose maybe some giants having alfresco out in the forest and accidentally missing and hitting the local village? But then there’s still the issue of women basically exploding to give birth. It’s all very anime!), but it hasn’t been!

Precisely how do two vastly genetically different creatures actually mate? Interspecies erotica!! Kelly can be a guys name!!! The whole sex scene is in avatar was predicated on the basis that the N’avi anatomy was somewhat like the picture here, or was at least left for the viewers to believe it was such.

Even considering the fact that Jake is technically in a N’avi body, and one assumes is somewhat cognisant of the biology behind it simply from using it, there’s still the issues surrounding the psychological and social implications of sex not only with an entirely different species, but also simply not knowing what those issues are between species.

Considering the primitive nature of the society in which the N’avi live, and the hostility of the world that they supposedly live so harmoniously with, it’s hard to imagine that there is actually expectation of monogamy, which is predominantly a social construct, and rarely exhibited in hostile environment species as they are attempting to spread as much of their genetic material as possible.

This still doesn’t take into account the social impacts. In Avatar, Jake’s actually responsible for the deaths of hundreds of people (which does get mentioned in the How Avatar Should Have Ended cartoon) because he should have actually been attempting to setup a trade deal of some kind. Let’s face it, humans wanted the metal under the tree… Surely, with technology advanced enough to go interstellar distances and be profitable, it would be more than possible to set up an ecologically friendly (as possible) mining operation if it were fully explained to the N’avi (let’s face it, if it’s worth $20m/kg, it’ll still be profitable to setup an expensive mining operation)… But no, let’s get some native bush in the bush with my hairy tendrils, thinks Jake Sully.

So what does Avatar teach us? Actually, it’s almost along the lines of religious teachings really (oh yeah, sneak the religion in for the getting-back-on-topic segue…).

We learn that we should:

• Be good to the environment;
• Respect one another;
• Not betray our own people, whomever they may be;
• and don’t fuck aliens (read: people that aren’t your skin colour) or you’ll be responsible for the apocalypse!

Personally, I give this extra scene four and a half spinning blue cocks.

So I was looking around for more fucked up religious videos for you guys to watch at 6:30am today, in your jammies, eating your Cocoa Pops, or maybe a porridge that you made with Baileys because you’re “all out of milk” and are getting amazingly drunk off the fumes emanating from the steaming goo without even realising it, because most people are unaware that the capillaries in your nose will actually absorb alcohol faster than any other method of ingestion other than an enema… but sadly couldn’t find anything.

Sadly, everything I was finding was either shit I’ve already posted or was just appallingly bad. And as we know this blog brings you nothing but quality material as you would expect of the verbose and stimulatingly intellectual conversational variety you’d expect on a night out at something like Black Widows, or maybe at the Phoenix. This frustrates me no end, because I actually do recall hours of religiously indoctrinating animated (or, if I was lucky, claymated) pap that on recollection was actually amazingly offensive, racist, or generally fucked up. The kind of stuff that would make Jesus weep… because that whiny emo only child sure as hell did a lot of weeping, and asking Roman’s to cut him because he couldn’t go through with it himself.

However, I think I did manage to find something better. Oddly enough, better came from Bing. Yeah, Microsucks’ search engine actually gave me what I was after where Google and YouTube (which is actually Google anyway) kept returning me to junk I’ve already either posted, rejected, or in about four cases actually linked me back to old posts on here. But what did I find was a fantastic, magical site where they seem to have brought to life every fantasy I have about how films should actually have ended.

Oddly enough, the site is called How It Should Have Ended (dotcom).

But the best part? They animate almost all of it!

Here’s some Wizard of Oz for you.

So, it’s not quite as religious as the other stuff I’ve been getting you watching these last few Saturdays. In fact, it’s down right secular… But it has it’s routes in religion.

Now, if the Jews got in trouble for badly producing terrible cartoons with low production values and ripping off Top40 tracks, one has to wonder precisely what circles of Hell are saved for those with even worse production values and ripping off famous Disney characters whilst they’re still within their copyright period (that keeps getting extended everytime the sunset clause begins to draw to a close on the copyright terms… butthat’s a post for another time)

With that said, one can’t help but take sick delight in the Arab/Israeli conflict when it’s depicted in this way. There just seems to be something rather fitting about a Mickey Mouse being a martyr. I think it’s the gross consumerism of it all, using one of the most mass marketed and easily recognisable icons of the 20th century, something that has basically become an icons or idol if you will to millions of people, and using this said idol to basically spread the message of The Prophet.

Good going there guys, you’ve really thought through the philosohpical and moral underpinnings of this one.

Then again, if you’re the kind of person that decides to create programming designed to encourage children to blow shit up, with themselves at the epicenter, as opposed to attempting to negotiate some kind of peaceful solution and break a century old cycle of violence, I suppose you probably haven’t.

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