Crochethulhus are a creation of The Old Ones, sleeping but not yet dead in their retirement villa beneath the seas, and when the alignment is right on Dancing With the Stars they will rise once more and devour the minds of young mortals with terrible tales of how things were so much better in their day. Those that wish to summon their own Crochethulhu should seek out the mad Australian Nik Tardrew via http://lucibaddog.blogspot.com/

Those that wish to brave their own sanity and check it against harder stuff may gaze upon this terrible visage upstairs at 234 Collins Street, Melbourne, next to the sickening UK imported lollies store.

Allow me to tell you a tale.

I run a bookstore in Melbourne, Australia. A trip about as far from Massachusetts as it is possible to get, unless one happens to be a British convict. However, perhaps that should have read “I ran”.
For you see, within my realm of fantasy and speculative fiction, I have a “Cthulhu Cthable”, upon which recently had Where the Deep Ones Are, an illustrated children’s book, been added to its stock. To help display it, I sought an appropriate toy, a mere googaw, that children would be less likely to grab and grubbify with their horrible spawnling ichors – my Graduation Cthulhu plush was looking shabby. Degraded. Unsightly. Their pawing digits would only serve to destroy my sacred figurine.
Shopping about online lead me to the terrifying realisation that no longer were ToyVault producing more of my preferred icon, either. Link after link I clicked within the strange, whorling eddies that is Google Image search when using the CoolIris plugin, attempting to find a replacement at a price that would not leave me a pauper until my next paycheck.

And then I found it!

A site that had every imaginable horror that broken, vulgar, gibbering minds could contemplate and create. Turning to the page, I found myself on Regretsy… only, I was looking at an item that no one in love with Lovecraft would ever regret.
I found there monstrous chimera! Abominations unto felt! I had stumbled upon the sales profile of one Rebecca Blackberrythorn.
She had clearly studied under Herbert West, or at least somehow managed to stumble upon some of his arcane texts. Specifically, the ones concerning the creation of artificial life from dead tissues. Using only the proscribed proficiency one could gain from these forbidden tomes could the carcasses of so many nylons be stitched together to create what I beheld.

Since this thing came into my boutique, nothing but misfortune has come upon me.
Customers pick it up and laugh. Laugh! They are laughing at me! They query from whence it came or how much would it cost for them to purchase, then put it down laughing all the more! Never purchasing it. Couriers arrive and bring me a never ending stream of paperwork and books and jargon!
And it has been that way since 10:00am this very morning! Since the accursed thing arrived!

And it continues to sit there. A horrific visage that I cannot bear to continue looking upon. It’s gaping maw and vacant eyes simply staring into some terrible void that cannot be seen by mortal eyes, piping the music of Nox Arcana from the speaker it sits atop.
As I write this, a shiver runs my spine for I am aware that so long as this profane object is here, my fortunes will not reverse. I cannot bear to continue my living as I once had whilst I sit in its presence. I can feel a change coming upon me. A change that will prevent me from continuing to run my business as I once had.

I shall continue down this path unto madness…

Just as did once my dear friend and colleague, Bernard L Black…

August 16, 2010
8:00 pm	to	11:30 pm

So it turns out my standup comedy is actually starting to be appreciated in more than a single location… The internet that is.

I’ve been booked in to do a gig at Spleen.

For those that are unaware of the Australian, or at least Melburne, comedy circuit, Spleen is one of those venues that can actually make or break you. Camera crews are often present taking footage for ABC specials, or Champagne Comedy. Scouts from various international comedy shows oftne hang out there, particularly during the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Even though you don’t get paid, and the venue is dangerously over crowded in order to do so, ther are huge crowds in attendance. Upwards of 200 for a venue that I’m pretty certain is only licensed for 95.

Frustratingly enough for me, this is right in the middle of the crunch period for me, though. Literally the week before the Melbourne Anime Festival, when realistically, I should be concentrating on ensuring that that’s not going to be the abject failure I always fear anything I’m involved with will become (so far, that’s only happened twice).

Either way, I hope to see you there.