Here’s some anime bible for you, with god dolling out wrath… and a robot… on Noah’s ark… with Noah… and only two very young children… kind of like Lafayette Ron Hubbard…

All this talk of religion lately, it leaves me with a line of questioning I don’t think anyone really stops to think about once they’re fully indoctrinated into their ideological pap.

As far as Monotheism goes, we’re basically up to V3.x with Islam. Abraham, Jesus and Mohammed. Some pretty fucking major prophets right there, never mind all the people that did spin offs on the show, like Martin Luther or Joseph Smith. There’s some serious time between these major upgrades, six centuries at a minimum.

If any of them were the one true religion, precisely why does it take their god so fucking long down his own little timeline (i.e. Islam has been around for about a quarter of the time that’s been since the Earth was created, Judaism’s got only a little over two thirds) to actually remind people about him and get them to start worshipping properly?

I mean, surely, if there was one true religion he’d have gone “Noah, remembereth the cataclysm of flood upon which i wrought terrible wrath upon an unfaithful land? Lo, tell all ye inhabitants of yon lands beyond where sky meets earth to worship me as the one true lord… bitches.”

Surely that religion would have been started, by god and his prophets, a little bit closer to the beginning of time, instead of waiting somewhere along the six and a half thousand (supposed) years of history to reveal it.

So I thought it’s not really fair to pick on various denominations of Christianity with their own children’s religious education material… Because really, all religions are equally fucked up (except Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, which makes perfect sense).

So I thought this weekend we could pick on Jews, because no one else ever does through out all of recorded history:

And if you still believe that they control Hollywood after that crap, there is something really really wrong with you.

However, yes, it’s true. Jews have a separate new year for… the trees. All things in nature being a part of god’s work, you’d think that the trees would celebrate new year’s at the same time as the other jewishly inclined animals and inanimate objects, but apparently not. They also weep.

This goes to show that Jews really are to blame for the ultimate evil in the world.

That ultimate evil being Hippies.

So a bunch of ignorant atheists, who don’t believe in his Noodley Appendage ever having touched their lives, were arguing about how religion works, using the analogy of “an invisible monkey in the drinking glass“. Never mind the fact that t his clearly breaks copyright on the Invisible Pink Unicorn, and all associated religious texts involving it.

Far be it from me to actually lower myself to this level of discussion, because we all know that the entirety of creation was made during the sneeze of a supreme deity that vaguely resembles a plate of Emporio’s finest angel hair pasta with bolognaise sauce (rAmen), it was brought to my attention by my good friend Twist, who then insisted that not only were these atheists and wrongtheists sublimely ignorant, they also had no idea how to mix a good drink with which to worship and commune with their deity.

Which is where I step in. (more…)

Another Saturday morning, another bizarre cartoon about freaky religion. But bear with me, the title will make sense in a moment.

This week’s scary shit: Jehovah’s Witnesses.

As it turns out, when they come to your place at really annoying times, they’re not there to annoy you. They’re making sure you don’t end up as an extra in Bruce Willis’ next film. Armageddon was cool and all, but who’da’thunk that the giant meteor was actually sent by Jesus to kill everyone?

Now, forgive me if I get this wrong, but the one assigned to frustrate god’s plans for everything is the AntiChrist, right? So by stopping a giant meteor that was clearly sent by Jesus, Bruce Willis has in fact just revealed he is Satan.

Far be it from me to question H.I.M. Willis, but I’m fairly certain that by destroying that meteor, but this does explain a lot of things. Namely how he managed to get ahead in Hollywood, even though he was balding at the time.

If anyone thinks I’m unfairly picking on Christians, by the way, you’re welcome to send me some cartoons of other religions. I’m just posting what I find.

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