The Goth Club

I was reading the newspaper again today. It’s a bad habit, I know, as there’s nothing more depressing than knowing what’s going on… well, other than maybe having to sit with a bunch of models going on about how fat they are at 5′11″ and 52kg, when you’re 6′0″ and getting close to three digits.

Why is her mortarboard white?

However, The Age newspaper posted an article on how university students are more likely to be depressed than other people “their age”.

Never mind the obvious fallacy that there’s some magical age for a university student, considering that many people in the second half of their lives are still going on to tertiary education. The obvious implication here is that they’re talking about undergraduates doing their first run. 18-25 year olds. Ok, that’s fair enough. But why are they more depressed and stressed out than other 18-25 year olds?

The obvious suggestion is that study is hard… Especially now that the student unionism no longer being compulsory means many campuses no longer give out free beer on a regular basis. And without all that beer, a lot of students simply aren’t getting the kilojoule intake required to keep functioning correctly! Seriously though, I highly doubt that. Even if it is somewhat less than a regular full time job, a university lifestyle does provide structure, eeps you occupied and keeps your brain nice and elastic while you find the time to make new positive social relationships and generally have fun. Exams and assignments may be stressful, but often less so than accidentally nailgunning a friends hand to a beam as an apprentice carpenter (although that does turn into a “You had to be there” anecdote later… I assume *cough*).

I’m going to go out on a limb here and hazard a guess by saying that the reason why university students, particular those cited in the article as being in the Medicien or Law faculties, are actually in that band of people of higher intellect than those that are not students. Numerous studies have shown correlations between higher intellectual capacity and rates of anxiety and depression. There’s plenty of anecdotal evidence too. Even in Sweden! And how could anyone be depressed there?!

Oh, and let's not forget the obvious

Even before empirical method for research was a standard practice, this was basically a truism. Ernest Hemingway, who is noted as one of the finer writers of the modern era blew his brains out with a shotgun. Vincent Van Gogh shot himself too. Nikola Tesla died of heart failure that many believe to have been caused by a drug overdose. Alan Turing, one of the people instrumental to ensuring the freedom of the world we know and love today, scoffed down an LD of cyanide. Virginia Wolfe decided to go for a swim… with her coat on… with the pockets filled with rocks…

It goes on and on. Smart people off themselves all the time. Why is for another discussion entirely, although my personal theory on the subject is that smart people can actually see that a) things are not ok b) they’re frustrated by the fac tthey’er aware they’re powerless to stop it and c) they perceive everyone that is less intelligent than they are to be ok with the fucked up situtation that they find untenable… with the occasional d) consistently being mocked for not lowering themselves down to the average (this one is most consistently seen in primary & secondary school, but also in the workplace. Indeed, tertiary education is one of the few places this is rarely an issue). The point is that perhaps all of these university students are depressed and anxious simply because they actually know what the fuck is going on around them and wish it were different.

Is there a solution to their depression?

Ohhh... THAT'S why her mortarboard was white!

Fucking… For guys this is an obvious one, but it seems for women, exposure to semen makes you happier. That’s right ladies, being the proverbial cum dumpster is a road to happiness… No wonder all those prostitutes are so unhappy!

I’d say medication… Fukitol, or Brain Candy. Something that makes you feel good and numb and absolutely not caring about anything or their moral implications. Oh wait, that’s Prozac! Failing that, there’s always booze. After all, there does seem to be a noticeable correlation between the rates of university student depression and the lack of free alcohol on campus. Or maybe just not being covered in semen, like this guy.

But what the fuck would I know? I dropped out of uni and now rant to a crowd of mostly strangers on a Tuesday night about what me and a tentacle got up to on the weekend under the influence of inebriating substances as my therapy.

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I will admit I’ve been listening to a lot of Electric Six lately. It’s funky, upbeat music that still manages to have almost every sleazy part of the goth scene I happen to enjoy… plus semi-

This drink would also go well in a gay bar gay bar GAY BAAAR!

naked, oiled up Abraham Lincoln! There’s also an 80s synth sound mixed in with all the funk that just reminds me of all those awesome 80s bands that somehow find their way onto gawth playlists. Duran Duran… delicious winter fruits…. and semi-naked ABRAHAM LINCOLN!

So to that extent, I made a drink to go along with this musical proclivity. (more…)

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Well… maybe if programmers lived in my neighbourhood when I was growing up, this’d be a Saturday morning cartoon.

It would seem that I have exhausted the supply of legitimate, ye oldè religious cartoons that have very fucked up teachings (I still insist they a lot of them simply have not made their way to YouTube / Vimeo), so we’re going to have to go with a new tack to keep you folks entertained on a Saturday morning.

Last week I showed you all how I think The Wizard of Oz should have ended.

This week is scene you’d only normally find on the special edition, re-re-release of Avatar: Director’s Cut.

The real irony is that there actually was a sex scene in the script where they have intimate hair tendril sex… but it was cut because it might have been a bit too full on for the young children going to see it. Ummm, are these the same tendrils that their sticking in animals? Considering parasites and disease exist on every world, what kind of freaky STDs would they have picked up? Psychic worms? Bioluminescent herpes?

Being a little more serious, this scene does raise some interesting questions. Whilst one might think that these questions were actually answered by Kirk in the first series of Star Trek, and then again in numerous fantasy canon with all the half-fantasy race creatures out there (half-giant? Really now? How does that even work logistically? You either get torn in half by a giant’s cock that’s nearly the same size as you, or you drown in vaginal lubrication and it’s doubtful your sperm will get further than two feet… I suppose maybe some giants having alfresco out in the forest and accidentally missing and hitting the local village? But then there’s still the issue of women basically exploding to give birth. It’s all very anime!), but it hasn’t been!

That's right, James Cameron has made furrys of us all...

Precisely how do two vastly genetically different creatures actually mate? Interspecies erotica!! Kelly can be a guys name!!! The whole sex scene is in avatar was predicated on the basis that the N’avi anatomy was somewhat like the picture here, or was at least left for the viewers to believe it was such.

Even considering the fact that Jake is technically in a N’avi body, and one assumes is somewhat cognisant of the biology behind it simply from using it, there’s still the issues surrounding the psychological and social implications of sex not only with an entirely different species, but also simply not knowing what those issues are between species.

Ahhh, Photoshop. Hours of fun! Click for full size

Considering the primitive nature of the society in which the N’avi live, and the hostility of the world that they supposedly live so harmoniously with, it’s hard to imagine that there is actually expectation of monogamy, which is predominantly a social construct, and rarely exhibited in hostile environment species as they are attempting to spread as much of their genetic material as possible.

This still doesn’t take into account the social impacts. In Avatar, Jake’s actually responsible for the deaths of hundreds of people (which does get mentioned in the How Avatar Should Have Ended cartoon) because he should have actually been attempting to setup a trade deal of some kind. Let’s face it, humans wanted the metal under the tree… Surely, with technology advanced enough to go interstellar distances and be profitable, it would be more than possible to set up an ecologically friendly (as possible) mining operation if it were fully explained to the N’avi (let’s face it, if it’s worth $20m/kg, it’ll still be profitable to setup an expensive mining operation)… But no, let’s get some native bush in the bush with my hairy tendrils, thinks Jake Sully.

So what does Avatar teach us? Actually, it’s almost along the lines of religious teachings really (oh yeah, sneak the religion in for the getting-back-on-topic segue…).

We learn that we should:

• Be good to the environment;
• Respect one another;
• Not betray our own people, whomever they may be;
• and don’t fuck aliens (read: people that aren’t your skin colour) or you’ll be responsible for the apocalypse!

Personally, I give this extra scene four and a half spinning blue cocks.

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"It wasn't missing! I just couldn't find it!"

So by now, provided you read or watch the news, you will have heard of the amazing discovery which has allowed scientists to magically (well, no, scientifically) regrow a rabbit’s penis to functionality… presumably after they hacked it off.

Yes, scientists are paid money to remove rabbits genitals… and then regrow them… presumably. I suppose if you’re a rampant feminazi, this could actually be the best job in the world. You’re paid to hack off penises, which then regrow, and can be hacked off again. Think of the possibilities when it comes to kidnap and torture to prove your point about female equality! *cough*

But I digress.

Oddly enough, I couldn't find the actual image I was after

The rapid regrowth of tissue has long been a trope in cyberpunk fiction, such as Akira, when Kaneda turns into a hideous blob of organs, or even just tentacles shooting out of arm sockets. It certainly gives some validity to the “pixie dust” that some guy in vented in Florida, using pig bladder cells.

However, this all reminds me quite strongly of the opening of the Mike Judge flick, Idiocracy. This severely underrated flick starts by explaining how it is that the human race ends up in the perilous state it finds itself in a future of idiots: All the best scientific minds in the world are being paid far too much money to figure out how to regrow people’s hair and maintain erections for longer and harder, instead of people actually figuring out the major issues and allowing stupid people to continue to breed.

My point is that this penile regrowth is anti-Darwinian.

Seriously. I love my dick. I probably stroke it more than my pets. I would never put it in a situation where anything could potentially dismember it. To do so would be an amazing act of stupidity so intense that I believe I would richly deserve my removal from the gene pool and having to sit down when I use the toilet.

Letting guys get their dicks back after an accident in which they thought a household appliances would be a pleasurable experience kind of dismisses the whole point of the process of Natural Selection.

But look on the bright side, maybe dreams of rocketing tentacle penises aren’t far away. It’d certainly make Cosplay competitions more interesting.

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