The Goth Club

Well… maybe if programmers lived in my neighbourhood when I was growing up, this’d be a Saturday morning cartoon.

It would seem that I have exhausted the supply of legitimate, ye oldè religious cartoons that have very fucked up teachings (I still insist they a lot of them simply have not made their way to YouTube / Vimeo), so we’re going to have to go with a new tack to keep you folks entertained on a Saturday morning.

Last week I showed you all how I think The Wizard of Oz should have ended.

This week is scene you’d only normally find on the special edition, re-re-release of Avatar: Director’s Cut.

The real irony is that there actually was a sex scene in the script where they have intimate hair tendril sex… but it was cut because it might have been a bit too full on for the young children going to see it. Ummm, are these the same tendrils that their sticking in animals? Considering parasites and disease exist on every world, what kind of freaky STDs would they have picked up? Psychic worms? Bioluminescent herpes?

Being a little more serious, this scene does raise some interesting questions. Whilst one might think that these questions were actually answered by Kirk in the first series of Star Trek, and then again in numerous fantasy canon with all the half-fantasy race creatures out there (half-giant? Really now? How does that even work logistically? You either get torn in half by a giant’s cock that’s nearly the same size as you, or you drown in vaginal lubrication and it’s doubtful your sperm will get further than two feet… I suppose maybe some giants having alfresco out in the forest and accidentally missing and hitting the local village? But then there’s still the issue of women basically exploding to give birth. It’s all very anime!), but it hasn’t been!

That's right, James Cameron has made furrys of us all...

Precisely how do two vastly genetically different creatures actually mate? Interspecies erotica!! Kelly can be a guys name!!! The whole sex scene is in avatar was predicated on the basis that the N’avi anatomy was somewhat like the picture here, or was at least left for the viewers to believe it was such.

Even considering the fact that Jake is technically in a N’avi body, and one assumes is somewhat cognisant of the biology behind it simply from using it, there’s still the issues surrounding the psychological and social implications of sex not only with an entirely different species, but also simply not knowing what those issues are between species.

Ahhh, Photoshop. Hours of fun! Click for full size

Considering the primitive nature of the society in which the N’avi live, and the hostility of the world that they supposedly live so harmoniously with, it’s hard to imagine that there is actually expectation of monogamy, which is predominantly a social construct, and rarely exhibited in hostile environment species as they are attempting to spread as much of their genetic material as possible.

This still doesn’t take into account the social impacts. In Avatar, Jake’s actually responsible for the deaths of hundreds of people (which does get mentioned in the How Avatar Should Have Ended cartoon) because he should have actually been attempting to setup a trade deal of some kind. Let’s face it, humans wanted the metal under the tree… Surely, with technology advanced enough to go interstellar distances and be profitable, it would be more than possible to set up an ecologically friendly (as possible) mining operation if it were fully explained to the N’avi (let’s face it, if it’s worth $20m/kg, it’ll still be profitable to setup an expensive mining operation)… But no, let’s get some native bush in the bush with my hairy tendrils, thinks Jake Sully.

So what does Avatar teach us? Actually, it’s almost along the lines of religious teachings really (oh yeah, sneak the religion in for the getting-back-on-topic segue…).

We learn that we should:

• Be good to the environment;
• Respect one another;
• Not betray our own people, whomever they may be;
• and don’t fuck aliens (read: people that aren’t your skin colour) or you’ll be responsible for the apocalypse!

Personally, I give this extra scene four and a half spinning blue cocks.

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"It wasn't missing! I just couldn't find it!"

So by now, provided you read or watch the news, you will have heard of the amazing discovery which has allowed scientists to magically (well, no, scientifically) regrow a rabbit’s penis to functionality… presumably after they hacked it off.

Yes, scientists are paid money to remove rabbits genitals… and then regrow them… presumably. I suppose if you’re a rampant feminazi, this could actually be the best job in the world. You’re paid to hack off penises, which then regrow, and can be hacked off again. Think of the possibilities when it comes to kidnap and torture to prove your point about female equality! *cough*

But I digress.

Oddly enough, I couldn't find the actual image I was after

The rapid regrowth of tissue has long been a trope in cyberpunk fiction, such as Akira, when Kaneda turns into a hideous blob of organs, or even just tentacles shooting out of arm sockets. It certainly gives some validity to the “pixie dust” that some guy in vented in Florida, using pig bladder cells.

However, this all reminds me quite strongly of the opening of the Mike Judge flick, Idiocracy. This severely underrated flick starts by explaining how it is that the human race ends up in the perilous state it finds itself in a future of idiots: All the best scientific minds in the world are being paid far too much money to figure out how to regrow people’s hair and maintain erections for longer and harder, instead of people actually figuring out the major issues and allowing stupid people to continue to breed.

My point is that this penile regrowth is anti-Darwinian.

Seriously. I love my dick. I probably stroke it more than my pets. I would never put it in a situation where anything could potentially dismember it. To do so would be an amazing act of stupidity so intense that I believe I would richly deserve my removal from the gene pool and having to sit down when I use the toilet.

Letting guys get their dicks back after an accident in which they thought a household appliances would be a pleasurable experience kind of dismisses the whole point of the process of Natural Selection.

But look on the bright side, maybe dreams of rocketing tentacle penises aren’t far away. It’d certainly make Cosplay competitions more interesting.

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You think your life sucks?

Well, it could be worse… much much worse. You could Wade. Or you could be one of the sad bastards revealing all on Fuck My Life

I always thought the saddest, most pathetic dregs of life ended up on BASH.org. It turns out I’m wrong, and there’s substantially worse on FML. What makes it even funnier is that it’s not even stuff that comes out in people’s conversations on line. It’s people actually confessing some of the most pathetic things that could ever be dreamed up by the gods of cynicism and bitter irony.

I’ve actually been plumbing the recesses of my own failings in life, and can’t actually think of anything in there bad enough to make me want to post.

Enjoy laughing at other people’s misfortune, you schadenfreudes, you.

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So finally leaving Black Widows at arond 3am, we make our way home so sleep may be had before an important meeting. The Manifest Organising Committee meeting.

Only slightly less corrupt, and with substantially less money than the International Olympic Committee, MOC put on Melbourne’s best anime convention, Manifest, and I am the titular head this year… Go me….

There was a "lingerie" design submitted one year. For some reason, no one thought it was a good idea.

If you have suggestions, or simply like to draw pornography involving our mascot, Peppa Chan, by all means please send that in by email, or just comment down below. Here’s a picture for reference purposes if you’re doing the porn. Preferably somethign with tentacles please.

In the past these meetings have been an exercise in tedium. To most extents, they still are, only now thanks to my iron fist, we don’t spend 150 minutes arguing about who was meant to pay for a fucking P.O. Box.

But the whole point of mentioning this? Seriously. If you like anime, and have some suggestions of what we should do at the largest dedicated anime festival in the country, I’m open to suggestions…
I may also be attempting to rank for longtails in SERP, but that’s a tech joke… or is it?

I'm the one in the hat, I think

With the meeting over, I met up with Wade. For those of you that are unaware, Wade is one of my three dopplegangers (see photo). If you are interested in some Dr. Manhattan Action, again, the comment box is below… I’ll be the one still working in the tool shed. 

To explain, Wade is what I would have become if I remained single and never went to university.
Much like J.L. is what I would have become if I gave a crap about career climbing, or that guy in QLD is what I would be if I hadn’t aged for the last decade.
That is to say, amazingly sleazy and with a bizarrely fucked up, yet compellingly hilarious, sex life, which is soon to be turned into a web comic, line of merchandise, and perhaps children’s book.

The comic will be called Wadeing in the Gene Pool. Technically, there is meant to be a site for it, but I haven’t had the time to go through all the shit to set it up, as my hosting has sent me through all kinds of shenanigans lately. Wade & I  sat for an hour, over some Nandos because hot stories require hot sauce, and discussed. I would offer you an excerpt now, like I promised yesterday, only I also have broken my only 3.5mm Male/Male audio lead, and will be getting a new one this weekend… Oooh, anticipation!

We’ll be attempting to make the audio a weekly podcast the moment the site is up. Ladies, or Lady Boys, if you’re interested you can even become part of Season 2.

Finally I decided it being the last night of the Comedy Festival, I should try to get in one more show. I am now horribly horribly morose because there’s nothing, NOTHING, funny in my life now… My art career can now continue apace. This is especially important in light of the show’s title: Comicide.

No, they weren’t killing Communists. It was a series of running sketches about those socially awkward moments that kill your social life and any chance you might ever have at having happiness. Fucking hilarious… Especially the sketch about a guy having to flee to Siberia for getting the Transformers transforming sound wrong. If you have a chance to see these guys, sink a few drinks, and get in there.

And then, home again home again cry myself to sleep…

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