The Goth Club

Well… maybe if programmers lived in my neighbourhood when I was growing up, this’d be a Saturday morning cartoon.

It would seem that I have exhausted the supply of legitimate, ye oldè religious cartoons that have very fucked up teachings (I still insist they a lot of them simply have not made their way to YouTube / Vimeo), so we’re going to have to go with a new tack to keep you folks entertained on a Saturday morning.

Last week I showed you all how I think The Wizard of Oz should have ended.

This week is scene you’d only normally find on the special edition, re-re-release of Avatar: Director’s Cut.

The real irony is that there actually was a sex scene in the script where they have intimate hair tendril sex… but it was cut because it might have been a bit too full on for the young children going to see it. Ummm, are these the same tendrils that their sticking in animals? Considering parasites and disease exist on every world, what kind of freaky STDs would they have picked up? Psychic worms? Bioluminescent herpes?

Being a little more serious, this scene does raise some interesting questions. Whilst one might think that these questions were actually answered by Kirk in the first series of Star Trek, and then again in numerous fantasy canon with all the half-fantasy race creatures out there (half-giant? Really now? How does that even work logistically? You either get torn in half by a giant’s cock that’s nearly the same size as you, or you drown in vaginal lubrication and it’s doubtful your sperm will get further than two feet… I suppose maybe some giants having alfresco out in the forest and accidentally missing and hitting the local village? But then there’s still the issue of women basically exploding to give birth. It’s all very anime!), but it hasn’t been!

That's right, James Cameron has made furrys of us all...

Precisely how do two vastly genetically different creatures actually mate? Interspecies erotica!! Kelly can be a guys name!!! The whole sex scene is in avatar was predicated on the basis that the N’avi anatomy was somewhat like the picture here, or was at least left for the viewers to believe it was such.

Even considering the fact that Jake is technically in a N’avi body, and one assumes is somewhat cognisant of the biology behind it simply from using it, there’s still the issues surrounding the psychological and social implications of sex not only with an entirely different species, but also simply not knowing what those issues are between species.

Ahhh, Photoshop. Hours of fun! Click for full size

Considering the primitive nature of the society in which the N’avi live, and the hostility of the world that they supposedly live so harmoniously with, it’s hard to imagine that there is actually expectation of monogamy, which is predominantly a social construct, and rarely exhibited in hostile environment species as they are attempting to spread as much of their genetic material as possible.

This still doesn’t take into account the social impacts. In Avatar, Jake’s actually responsible for the deaths of hundreds of people (which does get mentioned in the How Avatar Should Have Ended cartoon) because he should have actually been attempting to setup a trade deal of some kind. Let’s face it, humans wanted the metal under the tree… Surely, with technology advanced enough to go interstellar distances and be profitable, it would be more than possible to set up an ecologically friendly (as possible) mining operation if it were fully explained to the N’avi (let’s face it, if it’s worth $20m/kg, it’ll still be profitable to setup an expensive mining operation)… But no, let’s get some native bush in the bush with my hairy tendrils, thinks Jake Sully.

So what does Avatar teach us? Actually, it’s almost along the lines of religious teachings really (oh yeah, sneak the religion in for the getting-back-on-topic segue…).

We learn that we should:

• Be good to the environment;
• Respect one another;
• Not betray our own people, whomever they may be;
• and don’t fuck aliens (read: people that aren’t your skin colour) or you’ll be responsible for the apocalypse!

Personally, I give this extra scene four and a half spinning blue cocks.

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No, really!

This is probably old news by now, seeing as it filters down through the European newswires, to local stuff, and then I eventually write a post on it… but if you didn’t already hear about it, it’s horrifyingly funny.

http://www.mosnews.com/weird/2009/06/18/blackwidow/

She's a "black widow", get it?... except she's white, and probably never been married.

Moscow News, aka MosNews, is one of the few English language portals into Russian news before it’s filtered through the wires. The great thing about it is that it’s generally of the quality of some of the sleazier British tabloids… like The Sun or Weekly World News (with BatBoy!), replete with titlating photos for absolutely no reason that have almost nothing to do with the story (see inset), and bizarre stories that usually turn out to be fabricated.

Back to the story at hand: Turns out she’s a goth. She’s into horror movies, and collecting arachnids, and velvet clothing, and all that shit.

She’d cosy up to guys in bars and clubs, like most goth chicks do, although in a reversal of trends, buy them a drink… which she’d put clonidine in. Now, this makes my Spidey senses tingle (get it?). What goth is interested in buying drinks for men that they’re not already sleeping with!?! As a former bartender at Heresy, Carmilla’s, Cyberball, etc., I’m used to everyone trying to scam free drinks out of anyone else. No one buys a drink for someone unless they already know them. The one and only, singular, happenstance event I’ve ever seen someone at a goth club attempt to buy a drink for someone else that they didn’t know was a fairly commercial looking guy who didn’t get “the rules”, but did get a roll of the eyes when I attempted to give the drink to the target.

Free drugs on the other hand…

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You think your life sucks?

Well, it could be worse… much much worse. You could Wade. Or you could be one of the sad bastards revealing all on Fuck My Life

I always thought the saddest, most pathetic dregs of life ended up on BASH.org. It turns out I’m wrong, and there’s substantially worse on FML. What makes it even funnier is that it’s not even stuff that comes out in people’s conversations on line. It’s people actually confessing some of the most pathetic things that could ever be dreamed up by the gods of cynicism and bitter irony.

I’ve actually been plumbing the recesses of my own failings in life, and can’t actually think of anything in there bad enough to make me want to post.

Enjoy laughing at other people’s misfortune, you schadenfreudes, you.

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So as to protect the (amazingly not) innocent, names will be abbreviated to first initials. In the case of conflicting initials, a numeral shall be added.

We’re all aware of how amazingly slutty the goth scene is. Let’s face it, people in other scenes tend to stop going to clubs once they’ve managed to pick up. On the goth scene, once people hook up at clubs, they tend to keep going to see if they can get a combo chain. It’d be like Street Fighter, except if Cammy and and Ibuki got their kit off and started eating each other out in that little street mall in Asia while Ken was basically pumping his fist for something other than his shoryuken.

I’m at a house party this evening. M’s house. We’re the last to arrive, as I’d been busy killing radioactive super mutants in an American wasteland. Important stuff. I’d just gotten a new female companion, and a weapon called a “Power Fist”. It’s so amazingly appropriate, yet not. And so amazingly appropriate for what was going to happen this evening at the party… I just didn’t know it at the time.

The party is progressing normally with everyone watching video clips when we arrive. N’s there, J, D, M2, S (who happens to be a friend of W), and a bunch of other people I don’t know. This includes the 13 year old son of someone. Yeah, you arleady know where this story is going… but it’s the details that make it worth while, so keep reading.

So after going to play with B, the cat, in ohe other room, I arrive just in time to prevent M from levelling S2 for trying to get fresh with N. 15 minutes spent forcing myself between the two, trying to get M to calm down, and then chasing him down the street to make sure he didn’t do anything regrettable, we’re finally back inside, and calming down, and the party is proceeding at a swinging pace. Absinthe & Baileys were involved (although not at the same time. trust me, it’s a combo you will never see in my Friday Drinks posts), as well as numerous other libations, such as UDLs.

All being fairly drunk, and gawth, N decides that M2 needs more makeup so that he can look like Robert Smith. We all pile into the front room to watch this go apace. Then N decides that everyone else needs makeup, and proceeds to do it for M. During this time, two of the other girls (who have names, or initials, but I forget them) decide that they’re going to smear their makeup over each others faces and breasts. Well, it’s a party. It’s a goth party in fact. So nothing too out of the ordinary… Until D and M2 decide they’re going to join in. Still not too unusual. Four people all making out on a couch happens all the time… Until M1 and N also decide to join in… And someone cracks out the video camera.

I should point out that this isn’t 3 couples being coupley. This is one couple, an engaged girl, a guy that looks like he’s straight out of the video clip for Lullaby, a mid 40s bald atheist jew with cancer… and someone else.

Normally, I wouldn’t be so rude as to post all of this. It’s private intimiate details. Except that D had basically been jabbing me in the kidneys with his elbow the whole time, because I’d actually been sitting on the couch that this all broke out on, and he forgot my girlfriend’s name again even though he’s known her for about four years now. Yes, I’m petty, but only when he’s funny.

At this point, in steps the husband-to-be of the engaged girl who is know getting the milking treatment from the other two girls, and has D going down on her while M1, M2 and myself watch on. Most people’s reaction to a situation like this would be shock, or outrage, or extreme violence. Did I mention this was a goth party? Yeah, his reaction was “Hold on! I’ll go get the video camera!” True to his word, 30 seconds later, we have a videographer in the room. After about 4 minutes, said videographer gets bored and hands the camera back to the husband-to-be.

It’s about now that the 13 year old kid stumbles in, and does what any kid that age would do when confronted with a scene like that. He tried to make himself the center of attention. To his credit, he did it using Beavis & Butthead references. Considering that the show is officially older than he is, that’s kind of impressive. He’s loaded up with the idiot MTV culture of the mid 90s. I’d have given the kid kudos, if I hadn’t been trying to figure out some way to jerk off without anyone noticing at the time. Once again, a 13 year old with a Tshirt pulled over his head screaming that he was Cornholio would generally stop most other people in their groin friction… but this is a goth party… and his dad was the one holding the video camera at the time.

Responsible parenting kicked in a few minutes later, and I now found myself in charge of the video camera. I try to do everything I do to the best of my ability, and photography is no different. Admittedly, I haven’t shot porno before, but I’d just seen Zac & Miri, so I felt pretty confident I could pull it off without getting shit all over my face. After a few minutes to figure out this particular camera, it was all good. Smooth zooms, slow pans, dollying. I had it all going on. I was a one man D.O.P.P… The second ‘P’ is for Porn. This is about 20 minutes in now, and the makeup that had been applied, inadvertantly triggering this entire episode, had now been smeared all over faces, chests & pants. Most of the people on the couch were now resembling Mentats, with a smearing of spice about their lips. Or it could have been herpes. Most likely, it was neither, and merely some lip gloss gone wild. Smears about. Hands groping. Breasts heaving. Ladies sighing. Men groaning. Thighs spaniking. Buttocks beaten with a riding crop. It’s all getting quite erotic.

Until D gets out the barbeque utensils.

I’m not even joking.  It’s at this point that my master piece of porno in some way gets turned into DVD commentary footage for his band. As it turns out N is not turned on by being scrubbed with a degreasing brush. Some people aren’t particularly fans of being spanked with a spatula, and no one liked having their nipples tweaked with the tongs. In my opinion, it was all too reminiscnet of one of the Saw movies for people to be really comfortable with it. And so the orgy inevitably fell apart before I’d even managed to get my other sock off.

Had I only thought to have shoot this on my phone instead, using an internet connection and a credit card portal, I’d have been a few grand richer this evening.

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