The Goth Club

There are some films that are so awfully craptacularly pathetically bad, that they’re actually kind of cool.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, anything by Ed Wood, and now One Eyed Monster.

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Well… maybe if programmers lived in my neighbourhood when I was growing up, this’d be a Saturday morning cartoon.

It would seem that I have exhausted the supply of legitimate, ye oldè religious cartoons that have very fucked up teachings (I still insist they a lot of them simply have not made their way to YouTube / Vimeo), so we’re going to have to go with a new tack to keep you folks entertained on a Saturday morning.

Last week I showed you all how I think The Wizard of Oz should have ended.

This week is scene you’d only normally find on the special edition, re-re-release of Avatar: Director’s Cut.

The real irony is that there actually was a sex scene in the script where they have intimate hair tendril sex… but it was cut because it might have been a bit too full on for the young children going to see it. Ummm, are these the same tendrils that their sticking in animals? Considering parasites and disease exist on every world, what kind of freaky STDs would they have picked up? Psychic worms? Bioluminescent herpes?

Being a little more serious, this scene does raise some interesting questions. Whilst one might think that these questions were actually answered by Kirk in the first series of Star Trek, and then again in numerous fantasy canon with all the half-fantasy race creatures out there (half-giant? Really now? How does that even work logistically? You either get torn in half by a giant’s cock that’s nearly the same size as you, or you drown in vaginal lubrication and it’s doubtful your sperm will get further than two feet… I suppose maybe some giants having alfresco out in the forest and accidentally missing and hitting the local village? But then there’s still the issue of women basically exploding to give birth. It’s all very anime!), but it hasn’t been!

That's right, James Cameron has made furrys of us all...

Precisely how do two vastly genetically different creatures actually mate? Interspecies erotica!! Kelly can be a guys name!!! The whole sex scene is in avatar was predicated on the basis that the N’avi anatomy was somewhat like the picture here, or was at least left for the viewers to believe it was such.

Even considering the fact that Jake is technically in a N’avi body, and one assumes is somewhat cognisant of the biology behind it simply from using it, there’s still the issues surrounding the psychological and social implications of sex not only with an entirely different species, but also simply not knowing what those issues are between species.

Ahhh, Photoshop. Hours of fun! Click for full size

Considering the primitive nature of the society in which the N’avi live, and the hostility of the world that they supposedly live so harmoniously with, it’s hard to imagine that there is actually expectation of monogamy, which is predominantly a social construct, and rarely exhibited in hostile environment species as they are attempting to spread as much of their genetic material as possible.

This still doesn’t take into account the social impacts. In Avatar, Jake’s actually responsible for the deaths of hundreds of people (which does get mentioned in the How Avatar Should Have Ended cartoon) because he should have actually been attempting to setup a trade deal of some kind. Let’s face it, humans wanted the metal under the tree… Surely, with technology advanced enough to go interstellar distances and be profitable, it would be more than possible to set up an ecologically friendly (as possible) mining operation if it were fully explained to the N’avi (let’s face it, if it’s worth $20m/kg, it’ll still be profitable to setup an expensive mining operation)… But no, let’s get some native bush in the bush with my hairy tendrils, thinks Jake Sully.

So what does Avatar teach us? Actually, it’s almost along the lines of religious teachings really (oh yeah, sneak the religion in for the getting-back-on-topic segue…).

We learn that we should:

• Be good to the environment;
• Respect one another;
• Not betray our own people, whomever they may be;
• and don’t fuck aliens (read: people that aren’t your skin colour) or you’ll be responsible for the apocalypse!

Personally, I give this extra scene four and a half spinning blue cocks.

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No, really!

This is probably old news by now, seeing as it filters down through the European newswires, to local stuff, and then I eventually write a post on it… but if you didn’t already hear about it, it’s horrifyingly funny.

http://www.mosnews.com/weird/2009/06/18/blackwidow/

She's a "black widow", get it?... except she's white, and probably never been married.

Moscow News, aka MosNews, is one of the few English language portals into Russian news before it’s filtered through the wires. The great thing about it is that it’s generally of the quality of some of the sleazier British tabloids… like The Sun or Weekly World News (with BatBoy!), replete with titlating photos for absolutely no reason that have almost nothing to do with the story (see inset), and bizarre stories that usually turn out to be fabricated.

Back to the story at hand: Turns out she’s a goth. She’s into horror movies, and collecting arachnids, and velvet clothing, and all that shit.

She’d cosy up to guys in bars and clubs, like most goth chicks do, although in a reversal of trends, buy them a drink… which she’d put clonidine in. Now, this makes my Spidey senses tingle (get it?). What goth is interested in buying drinks for men that they’re not already sleeping with!?! As a former bartender at Heresy, Carmilla’s, Cyberball, etc., I’m used to everyone trying to scam free drinks out of anyone else. No one buys a drink for someone unless they already know them. The one and only, singular, happenstance event I’ve ever seen someone at a goth club attempt to buy a drink for someone else that they didn’t know was a fairly commercial looking guy who didn’t get “the rules”, but did get a roll of the eyes when I attempted to give the drink to the target.

Free drugs on the other hand…

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You think your life sucks?

Well, it could be worse… much much worse. You could Wade. Or you could be one of the sad bastards revealing all on Fuck My Life

I always thought the saddest, most pathetic dregs of life ended up on BASH.org. It turns out I’m wrong, and there’s substantially worse on FML. What makes it even funnier is that it’s not even stuff that comes out in people’s conversations on line. It’s people actually confessing some of the most pathetic things that could ever be dreamed up by the gods of cynicism and bitter irony.

I’ve actually been plumbing the recesses of my own failings in life, and can’t actually think of anything in there bad enough to make me want to post.

Enjoy laughing at other people’s misfortune, you schadenfreudes, you.

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