No, really!

This is probably old news by now, seeing as it filters down through the European newswires, to local stuff, and then I eventually write a post on it… but if you didn’t already hear about it, it’s horrifyingly funny.

http://www.mosnews.com/weird/2009/06/18/blackwidow/

Moscow News, aka MosNews, is one of the few English language portals into Russian news before it’s filtered through the wires. The great thing about it is that it’s generally of the quality of some of the sleazier British tabloids… like The Sun or Weekly World News (with BatBoy!), replete with titlating photos for absolutely no reason that have almost nothing to do with the story (see inset), and bizarre stories that usually turn out to be fabricated.

Back to the story at hand: Turns out she’s a goth. She’s into horror movies, and collecting arachnids, and velvet clothing, and all that shit.

She’d cosy up to guys in bars and clubs, like most goth chicks do, although in a reversal of trends, buy them a drink… which she’d put clonidine in. Now, this makes my Spidey senses tingle (get it?). What goth is interested in buying drinks for men that they’re not already sleeping with!?! As a former bartender at Heresy, Carmilla’s, Cyberball, etc., I’m used to everyone trying to scam free drinks out of anyone else. No one buys a drink for someone unless they already know them. The one and only, singular, happenstance event I’ve ever seen someone at a goth club attempt to buy a drink for someone else that they didn’t know was a fairly commercial looking guy who didn’t get “the rules”, but did get a roll of the eyes when I attempted to give the drink to the target.

Free drugs on the other hand…

You think your life sucks?

Well, it could be worse… much much worse. You could Wade. Or you could be one of the sad bastards revealing all on Fuck My Life

I always thought the saddest, most pathetic dregs of life ended up on BASH.org. It turns out I’m wrong, and there’s substantially worse on FML. What makes it even funnier is that it’s not even stuff that comes out in people’s conversations on line. It’s people actually confessing some of the most pathetic things that could ever be dreamed up by the gods of cynicism and bitter irony.

I’ve actually been plumbing the recesses of my own failings in life, and can’t actually think of anything in there bad enough to make me want to post.

Enjoy laughing at other people’s misfortune, you schadenfreudes, you.

So as to protect the (amazingly not) innocent, names will be abbreviated to first initials. In the case of conflicting initials, a numeral shall be added.

We’re all aware of how amazingly slutty the goth scene is. Let’s face it, people in other scenes tend to stop going to clubs once they’ve managed to pick up. On the goth scene, once people hook up at clubs, they tend to keep going to see if they can get a combo chain. It’d be like Street Fighter, except if Cammy and and Ibuki got their kit off and started eating each other out in that little street mall in Asia while Ken was basically pumping his fist for something other than his shoryuken.

I’m at a house party this evening. M’s house. We’re the last to arrive, as I’d been busy killing radioactive super mutants in an American wasteland. Important stuff. I’d just gotten a new female companion, and a weapon called a “Power Fist”. It’s so amazingly appropriate, yet not. And so amazingly appropriate for what was going to happen this evening at the party… I just didn’t know it at the time.

The party is progressing normally with everyone watching video clips when we arrive. N’s there, J, D, M2, S (who happens to be a friend of W), and a bunch of other people I don’t know. This includes the 13 year old son of someone. Yeah, you arleady know where this story is going… but it’s the details that make it worth while, so keep reading.

So after going to play with B, the cat, in ohe other room, I arrive just in time to prevent M from levelling S2 for trying to get fresh with N. 15 minutes spent forcing myself between the two, trying to get M to calm down, and then chasing him down the street to make sure he didn’t do anything regrettable, we’re finally back inside, and calming down, and the party is proceeding at a swinging pace. Absinthe & Baileys were involved (although not at the same time. trust me, it’s a combo you will never see in my Friday Drinks posts), as well as numerous other libations, such as UDLs.

All being fairly drunk, and gawth, N decides that M2 needs more makeup so that he can look like Robert Smith. We all pile into the front room to watch this go apace. Then N decides that everyone else needs makeup, and proceeds to do it for M. During this time, two of the other girls (who have names, or initials, but I forget them) decide that they’re going to smear their makeup over each others faces and breasts. Well, it’s a party. It’s a goth party in fact. So nothing too out of the ordinary… Until D and M2 decide they’re going to join in. Still not too unusual. Four people all making out on a couch happens all the time… Until M1 and N also decide to join in… And someone cracks out the video camera.

I should point out that this isn’t 3 couples being coupley. This is one couple, an engaged girl, a guy that looks like he’s straight out of the video clip for Lullaby, a mid 40s bald atheist jew with cancer… and someone else.

Normally, I wouldn’t be so rude as to post all of this. It’s private intimiate details. Except that D had basically been jabbing me in the kidneys with his elbow the whole time, because I’d actually been sitting on the couch that this all broke out on, and he forgot my girlfriend’s name again even though he’s known her for about four years now. Yes, I’m petty, but only when he’s funny.

At this point, in steps the husband-to-be of the engaged girl who is know getting the milking treatment from the other two girls, and has D going down on her while M1, M2 and myself watch on. Most people’s reaction to a situation like this would be shock, or outrage, or extreme violence. Did I mention this was a goth party? Yeah, his reaction was “Hold on! I’ll go get the video camera!” True to his word, 30 seconds later, we have a videographer in the room. After about 4 minutes, said videographer gets bored and hands the camera back to the husband-to-be.

It’s about now that the 13 year old kid stumbles in, and does what any kid that age would do when confronted with a scene like that. He tried to make himself the center of attention. To his credit, he did it using Beavis & Butthead references. Considering that the show is officially older than he is, that’s kind of impressive. He’s loaded up with the idiot MTV culture of the mid 90s. I’d have given the kid kudos, if I hadn’t been trying to figure out some way to jerk off without anyone noticing at the time. Once again, a 13 year old with a Tshirt pulled over his head screaming that he was Cornholio would generally stop most other people in their groin friction… but this is a goth party… and his dad was the one holding the video camera at the time.

Responsible parenting kicked in a few minutes later, and I now found myself in charge of the video camera. I try to do everything I do to the best of my ability, and photography is no different. Admittedly, I haven’t shot porno before, but I’d just seen Zac & Miri, so I felt pretty confident I could pull it off without getting shit all over my face. After a few minutes to figure out this particular camera, it was all good. Smooth zooms, slow pans, dollying. I had it all going on. I was a one man D.O.P.P… The second ‘P’ is for Porn. This is about 20 minutes in now, and the makeup that had been applied, inadvertantly triggering this entire episode, had now been smeared all over faces, chests & pants. Most of the people on the couch were now resembling Mentats, with a smearing of spice about their lips. Or it could have been herpes. Most likely, it was neither, and merely some lip gloss gone wild. Smears about. Hands groping. Breasts heaving. Ladies sighing. Men groaning. Thighs spaniking. Buttocks beaten with a riding crop. It’s all getting quite erotic.

Until D gets out the barbeque utensils.

I’m not even joking.  It’s at this point that my master piece of porno in some way gets turned into DVD commentary footage for his band. As it turns out N is not turned on by being scrubbed with a degreasing brush. Some people aren’t particularly fans of being spanked with a spatula, and no one liked having their nipples tweaked with the tongs. In my opinion, it was all too reminiscnet of one of the Saw movies for people to be really comfortable with it. And so the orgy inevitably fell apart before I’d even managed to get my other sock off.

Had I only thought to have shoot this on my phone instead, using an internet connection and a credit card portal, I’d have been a few grand richer this evening.

Yesterday newswires around the world were posting the “strange but true” story of a Russian mechanic who was fucked to death, after two women bet him he couldn’t fuck all day long.

A lot of you may be thinking: “What an awesome way to go!”

Frankly, I think this is somewhat misguided. To follow this rambling post, you may want to go read that article, by the way.

I mean, let’s face it. The goth scene is obsessed with sex. You know things are pretty smutty when off duty stippers go to your clubs because people are wearing less than they are. However, prolonged orgies are not all that uncommon.

I’ve attempted marathon sex before. We got up the 3h42m before it started getting amazingly uncomfortable. For a start, there’s always the potential danger of priapism. For those not in the know, it’s a terrible medical condition where a guy can no longer go flacid. Great if you’re intending to go and find some baby seals, either to beat to death with your gargantuanly engorged manhood or just because they’re soft and furry and still at the suckling stage. Not so great if you’re not an Eskimo. In most cases, without quick medical attention, blood vessels burst and rupture, muscles can be torn, and nerves severely damaged. Gangrene can happen, and quite frankly, guys can die from heart failure as the heart tries harder and harder to pump some new blood through.

That’s just taking the outside factor into account. Let’s not forget that 12 hours of sex… you’re gonna get pretty raw, even with some great lube. The sheer friction alone is going to wear the skin off your throbbing member, like loving rubbing your junk against a soggy strip of 300 grade sandpaper. The smarter folk out there might consider wearing a condom to prevent this, perhaps even a lamb skin condom. This is of no help to the ladies, who are basically being short shafted. For twelve hours. 

Sure girls, it may seem like a great idea because you’re fed up with only getting 183 seconds before you have to deal with extra protein in your hair (you complain about that, but you’ll pay more for “pro-max” shampoo), but it really is just another extreme. Never mind the boredom that’ll set in, there is simply too much of a good thing. There are women out there that can’t stop orgasming… Oddly enough, they’re not enjoying it.

I think that says something.

 

Actually, on second thoughts, this entire post says nothing. I just wanted to let people know some guy in Russia got fucked to death.

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