So, after Harkonnen posted something about one of is friends’ Valentine’s day rants, I thought I’d post one as well… Of course, I’m not going to do one myself, as I already intended to give my lady love herpes.

A very dear friend of mine, who is most likely certifiable at this point in time thanks to a certain guy in her life whom she pines for like a dea parrot does for the Fjordes, wrote a big rant about said male’s insensitivity in general, which can be read here: http://thinking-jaywise.blogspot.com/2009/02/cheesy-nothings-of-romanticism.html

In the vitriloic rant, she actually hits on something that seems to elude almost everyone I know. The stuff in the block quoted section, about hugs, and being asked to stay around, and not wearing out a welcome. That’s what a solid friendship is about, and a solid friendship is the basis for a real lasting relatonship. I should know, mine’s almost 9 years now, and I’m the rebound guy.

Yes, there are ups and downs. There are fights. There’s us doing gross things. Irritating things. Wanting to kill each other over the most trivial shit like not havng scraped off a dis before putting it in the dishwasher.

But do you know what real love is?

It’s waking up next to someone for 5 years, and not stabbing them in the face with a pencil!

… Or just breaking up with them. Which ever works out better for you.

Because, by far and away, the good fun times will always outweigh the bad ones if you actually happen to get along with the person.

So, if your partner won’t play Nintendo with you, if they won’t take you for a country drive to go antiquing when you ask, or if you won’t sit down watch some sort of sport on TV while drinking beer and scrathing your crotch when they ask, there’s a good chance that the relationshp isn’t going to pan out. Find someone you can do those things with.

In the meantime, enjoy the next 364 days of trying to find someone you can do those things with… And if you can’t, fuck it, I’ll throw up some links to a goth/metal/fetish dating site or something.

I’ve got this forum I go to. It’s kind of like 4chan, but it’s for people that make money, as opposed to being unemployed lamers whining about Scientology. There’s this guy on there that I particularly like, Chris, who just has a thing about holidays and hating them. He posted this rather insane diatribe on why Valentine’s day sucks… and in retrospect, I think I kind of agree with him.

The crux of his rant:

“Ok, guys we all know what’s coming up…Valentines Day! Don’t disappoint her like you did last year. Make her eyes light up with the package gift of jewelry and roses from blah blah blah. …Because you know that if she’s happy, then everyone stays happy!”

How. Fucking. Insulting.

But that stupid commercial perfectly illustrates everything wrong with Valentines day. It’s a holiday that’s constructed to make a few people rich and everyone else feel pressured, unsatisfied and inadequate.

You can read the whole thing here

So yeah, why the fuck do you have to wait till 7 weeks after Christmas to tell someone how special they are? After you supposedly already told them on Christmas with a reindeer that shits brown jelly beans?

You know what, if someone’s special enough for you to waste money on pointlessness for them, as opposed to actually doing something meaningful, why don’t you just ask them out to dinner one night, lay on the flowers and fine wine, and when they ask what’s so special, you just tell them that they are. Why do you have to wait for the day when sparkling wine and roses geta 250% markup to do it? More wasted money = more love?

If you believe that, you’re a fucking moron.

A few weeks ago, I posted about the need for a site to anonymously tell someone you just gave them an STD. Well, what if you want to give it to them with love?

Wait, back up a moment. There’s back story here I’m not filling you guys in on.

As it happens, as with most people on the goth scene, I and my partner are people with fairly… eclectic tastes. What constitutes a good time for us does deviate somewhat from societal norms. Our best Valentine’s Day ever included seeing a giant squid, me being given a small robot, and us going to see some live death metal. As we’ve had days like that in the past, apparently I am being remiss by not planning anything as fun, or giving her anything as nice, in return.

So as any good partner should be, I am resolved to solving this problem by giving her some sort of STD… in Plush form.

At first, I was thinking I could take her on a picnic and give her E.Coli, delightfully hidden in the potato salad, but the cleaning would be difficult, and the irony probably lost as we picked bits of felt and rayon fabric off of our tongues. I had also thought of Herpes and Gonorrhea, but as diseases go, they just weren’t cute enough.

Of course, this is all because as a vegan, she won’t permit me to use sensible protection, in the form of a lamb skin condom.

Of course, if you’re considering purchasing for your own loved ones and must go absolutely gawth, what could be a better than Black Death or Necrotizing Fasciitis?