Sorry folks, no drink recipe today… More of a treatise on how, when and why I chose to drink.

To begin with, a lot of people tend to get the impression that I’m some kind of pisshead due to my obsession with the booze. As you’ve pro0bably noticed, there are a lot of cocktail recipes on this blog. At last count I think I’ve got 53 recipes. That’s enough to not only fill a book, but probably hit on something that people actually enjoy drinking!

Then there’s also my rather large collection of liquor miniatures (there are a lot more not photographed) and liquor cabinet that used to contain enough to fatally poison most of a football team, but now only contains enough to kill the girl they’re mass raping. At least she’ll not have to deal with the memories. Hooray! (more…)

When the Times of India tells you that vampires are actively moving to your city you have a bit of a chuckle to yourself, and think “Oh those silly little tamagothies!”

When a credible news source gives you a substantially expanded version of the article, it’s time to reconsider where you live. Adelaide maybe. (more…)

But only because Vince Colosimo can’t speak around fangs.

Something that a whole mess of people don’t realise is that sometime last financial year, a rather large swathe of our tax dollars got was released as a vampire movie. It was an Australian vampire movie, with most of the cast of Neighbours as terrible extras, and Sam Neill pushing something a bit more than just red meat. But for all the terrible acting, the cinematography and actual script, plot and concept of the movie are astoundingly good. Unlike the extraordinarily large precedent set before it by almost every Aussie film I can think of that had to get government backed financing, however, this movie didn’t actually suck. Only the characters in it… and *Vince Colosimo’s acting.

The idea behind the film is that in about a decade’s time, vampirism sweeps the land. Like zombieism to some degree, as everyone is now either vampire, or an industrially kept sack of fluids and vampire nutrients that are kept in large farming towers to have their vitals tapped somewhat reminsiscent of the way that we’re all currently powering The Matrix. Of course, the problem with this is that in reality, people confined to such conditions are most likely going to die due to muscles being kept immobile. Their muscles would atrophy, the body would become less and less healthy, and then simply cease to sustain its own life. This is precisely what’s happening to the human farms in the world Daybreakers, and the stock of free range humans that the vampire military can find is rapidly running out. This is highly problematic, as all the blood substitutes that the large vampire corporations are attempting to cook up simply don’t have the… desired effect.

Generally speaking, when you go and eat something, if it makes your head explode instead of nourishing you, that’s what the current pharmaceutical industry calls “undesirable side effects” (as opposed to Viagra, which was originally intended as a heart medication, having a side effect that was way better than what it was intended to be primarily used for).

As the blood becomes scarce, vampires begin to riot out of panic. Why? Because if they don’t get human blood, they devolve into bat like animals that attack anything, but look way cool thanks to WETA. Dog blood won’t do. Can’t have coffee. Must be people, but not Soylent Green! It’s a brilliant commentary on energy crisii type situations, and no doubt the future food shortages we’re likely to experience as the temperate zones move further towards the polar regions.

Eventually, a cure is found, which in turn causes complications. In yet anotherdig at modern day situations, a cure is no good because there’s no money to be had in a cure. The large corporation within the film is only interested in a human blood substitute, so that everyone must become a long term client. As pharmaceutical companies in real life are similarly disinterested in cures, but rather treatment regimes, as cures do not provide long term customers.

And for good measure, there’s also a couple of fascist dictatorship references. Fun!

The entire film is dark, set with a cool filter over every scene that takes place in the city to emphasise how cold and dark is the night. Sadly, the city isn’t terribly memorable or impressive… It’s Surfer’s Paradise after all (not exactly a place that screams “Vampires live here!”). To counter that, every scene shot in the country regions where not-blood-cow humans escape to is warm and sunny, made more so thanks to a rather obvious warm colour filter. A more critical person would say that the juxtaposition is also there to show how unnatural city living is and that it’s the death of us all as we devolve and feed on our fellow man but that’s the kind of wankery one picks up after having done a semester of film analysis at university… *cough*… Whilst this kind of videography is pretty standard for modern vampire films, it really hammers home the (intended to be) subtle messages of the film.

Willem Dafoe was actually rather week in this film, I felt. He plays “Elvis”, the vampire that somehow manages to cure himself (and in turn becomes a weak, pathetic human again). Dafoe normally has this seedy hyper activity about him, like Steve Buschemi on crack but with nice teeth. He seemed rathe flat and lifeless in this film, which, considering he’s actually alive again, should be the exact opposite of his characterisation I feel. To make matters worse, this isn’t even the first vampire role he’s been in. He was Max Schreck in Shadow of the Vampire, the archetype for what the vampires in Daybreakers basically turn into without blood, and yet he was off the walls in that film. A bit of a disappointment to my mind.

Ethan Hawk manages to ensure that this isn’t the massive let down it could be though. He plays Edward Dalton, Hematologist man! It’s his job to find a cure for vampirism… or at least a substitute for blood. But he also happens to be a filthy human sympathiser! With clouded thoughts of “perhaps humans are people, too” this sick deviant not only saves a pack of the filthy things, he actively goes to live with them for a time to discover his cure! Degenerate filth!! And he’s believable in this sort of characterisation. You genuinely believe he feels sorry for the fact that people are no longer human, and that he actually thinks of them as an endangered species, rather than what he used to be. There’s a kind of sadness about him, until he basically fucks over Sam Neill.

Sam Neill is rather convincing in his role as Charles Bromley,  an evil bastard in charge of an evil pharmaceutical company. Perhaps this is based on his many many roles as a self absorbed narcissist that happens to be better off than those around him, or maybe it’s a side effect of all the meat he’s been trying to get kids to eat lately. I’ve got to say though, having seen this film, it really does all make sense now.

All up, I give this film three and a half swinging blue cocks.

*No, he really wasn’t so bad in this. It’s just that I hate Colosimo for some reason, and the bar has been set pretty low on Australian actors that aren’t Sam Neill. Name me one other local actor that’s pulled out their own eyes. That’s commitment to a bit!

I was reading the newspaper again today. It’s a bad habit, I know, as there’s nothing more depressing than knowing what’s going on… well, other than maybe having to sit with a bunch of models going on about how fat they are at 5’11″ and 52kg, when you’re 6’0″ and getting close to three digits.

However, The Age newspaper posted an article on how university students are more likely to be depressed than other people “their age”.

Never mind the obvious fallacy that there’s some magical age for a university student, considering that many people in the second half of their lives are still going on to tertiary education. The obvious implication here is that they’re talking about undergraduates doing their first run. 18-25 year olds. Ok, that’s fair enough. But why are they more depressed and stressed out than other 18-25 year olds?

The obvious suggestion is that study is hard… Especially now that the student unionism no longer being compulsory means many campuses no longer give out free beer on a regular basis. And without all that beer, a lot of students simply aren’t getting the kilojoule intake required to keep functioning correctly! Seriously though, I highly doubt that. Even if it is somewhat less than a regular full time job, a university lifestyle does provide structure, eeps you occupied and keeps your brain nice and elastic while you find the time to make new positive social relationships and generally have fun. Exams and assignments may be stressful, but often less so than accidentally nailgunning a friends hand to a beam as an apprentice carpenter (although that does turn into a “You had to be there” anecdote later… I assume *cough*).

I’m going to go out on a limb here and hazard a guess by saying that the reason why university students, particular those cited in the article as being in the Medicien or Law faculties, are actually in that band of people of higher intellect than those that are not students. Numerous studies have shown correlations between higher intellectual capacity and rates of anxiety and depression. There’s plenty of anecdotal evidence too. Even in Sweden! And how could anyone be depressed there?!

Even before empirical method for research was a standard practice, this was basically a truism. Ernest Hemingway, who is noted as one of the finer writers of the modern era blew his brains out with a shotgun. Vincent Van Gogh shot himself too. Nikola Tesla died of heart failure that many believe to have been caused by a drug overdose. Alan Turing, one of the people instrumental to ensuring the freedom of the world we know and love today, scoffed down an LD of cyanide. Virginia Wolfe decided to go for a swim… with her coat on… with the pockets filled with rocks…

It goes on and on. Smart people off themselves all the time. Why is for another discussion entirely, although my personal theory on the subject is that smart people can actually see that a) things are not ok b) they’re frustrated by the fac tthey’er aware they’re powerless to stop it and c) they perceive everyone that is less intelligent than they are to be ok with the fucked up situtation that they find untenable… with the occasional d) consistently being mocked for not lowering themselves down to the average (this one is most consistently seen in primary & secondary school, but also in the workplace. Indeed, tertiary education is one of the few places this is rarely an issue). The point is that perhaps all of these university students are depressed and anxious simply because they actually know what the fuck is going on around them and wish it were different.

Is there a solution to their depression?

Fucking… For guys this is an obvious one, but it seems for women, exposure to semen makes you happier. That’s right ladies, being the proverbial cum dumpster is a road to happiness… No wonder all those prostitutes are so unhappy!

I’d say medication… Fukitol, or Brain Candy. Something that makes you feel good and numb and absolutely not caring about anything or their moral implications. Oh wait, that’s Prozac! Failing that, there’s always booze. After all, there does seem to be a noticeable correlation between the rates of university student depression and the lack of free alcohol on campus. Or maybe just not being covered in semen, like this guy.

But what the fuck would I know? I dropped out of uni and now rant to a crowd of mostly strangers on a Tuesday night about what me and a tentacle got up to on the weekend under the influence of inebriating substances as my therapy.

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